Life took some unusual turns. Turns that I'm not altogether happy about. My home life got messy. I wasn't able to use the tools that I had learned to use through life's twists and turns. I stopped running. I started working again. And lastly, my 4 year old was suddenly taken from me in May of last year. I lost all sense of what life was truly supposed to be. And the weight? It went back on quite easily. I'm no longer the 'former fat girl', but am the fat girl once again.
There are a lot of what-ifs floating around, but I could 'what-if' myself to death. It won't solve a thing.
I imagine that some people could lose a boatload of weight based on the happenings of my life in the last year plus, but if you have been a regular follower of my story, that's not the case with me. Food is my drug of choice. It is my sedative. It is my comfort. It is my security. When all else fails, there's always food. And darn it...I can't live without it!
I'm still grieving. My heart still hurts. And life is moving on. We made a positive move too. The only home my girls had ever known...the home I'd known for 11 years, is no longer the place we call home. We moved a little over an hour south and we are loving the opportunity to be closer to healthy food stores and better opportunities over all.
I know I have strength because I am living through the death of a child. With that strength, I will come back...slowly. There is joy amongst the sadness and I move forward...one minute at a time.
Showing posts with label stress and the emotional eater. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress and the emotional eater. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
A Test Of Willpower
So you don't think you have any willpower? Well let me tell you, it's something that has to be grown. At some point or another, you lose all sense of it completely. Then one day, your kid hands you a cookie. You take the cookie in your hand, you raise the cookie to your mouth, and you start to stick it *absentmindedly* into your mouth...as in it's enough in your mouth that you've had a 'taste', but you STOP! You politely hand it back to you child and say thank you. You also tell her that you appreciate the offer, but that you're trying to be good.
Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.
Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing. Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.
Willpower may look completely different to you. Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.
Start small here friends. I am. I need to find it again. I need it for me. My waistline needs it too.
Be patient friends. And hang in there!
Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.
Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing. Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.
Willpower may look completely different to you. Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.
Start small here friends. I am. I need to find it again. I need it for me. My waistline needs it too.
Be patient friends. And hang in there!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Still Struggling
Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti. It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine. I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back. Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning. The evil cycle is back.
A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain. The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you." I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true. If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping. My way of protecting myself. And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.
As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself. I thought I was. I was really doing it for everyone else. I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.
So...forget all of that. I'm throwing it in the nearest trash. I need it for my health. To make me happy. No one else. While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone. Not for my children, the love in my life, or work. While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.
I covet your support and your words of encouragement. And, most importantly...be patient with me. I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle!
- Find resolve.
- Stick to it for a couple of days.
- Emotional break down.
- Eat for comfort.
- Beat self up for eating to comfort.
- Eat some more.
- Weigh self.
- Repeat.
A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain. The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you." I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true. If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping. My way of protecting myself. And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.
As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself. I thought I was. I was really doing it for everyone else. I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.
So...forget all of that. I'm throwing it in the nearest trash. I need it for my health. To make me happy. No one else. While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone. Not for my children, the love in my life, or work. While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.
I covet your support and your words of encouragement. And, most importantly...be patient with me. I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Starting Again
If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be. You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.
I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible. The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working. I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before. The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them. Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home. For instance, a bean and cheese burrito. Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis. And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.
Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby. Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.
As with all things, I need to be patient with myself. Each day is a new day. I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.
I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible. The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working. I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before. The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them. Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home. For instance, a bean and cheese burrito. Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis. And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.
Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby. Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.
As with all things, I need to be patient with myself. Each day is a new day. I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
It Happened
Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back. Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back. And...it makes me sad. So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.
First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday. I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life. And things with the hubby? Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral. And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.
With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon. And...I need your help. I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again. No matter what life throws at me, I need this. To make me happy.
Hang with me friends. I'm leaning on all of you!
First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday. I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life. And things with the hubby? Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral. And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.
With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon. And...I need your help. I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again. No matter what life throws at me, I need this. To make me happy.
Hang with me friends. I'm leaning on all of you!
Monday, September 2, 2013
It Has To Start Somewhere
Every journey in life has a beginning and an end. Sometimes we can veer off course, take the wrong path, or fall in a ditch. Lucky for us we get to make the choice in whether we continue to go in the wrong direction or wallow in the ditch. And I think, from time to time, we're allowed to wallow a bit before finding the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, and move forward.
With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long. And, I've strayed from the journey. This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle. If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult. I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.
The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again. The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'. It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it. Now is the time!
The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real. It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey. Baby steps here people. Baby steps. If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*. If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming. Maybe it won't be. If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it. It does feel a bit like that for me.
Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place. I didn't like being the 'fat girl'. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before. And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.
It's not too late. Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down. Head up and keep going!
With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long. And, I've strayed from the journey. This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle. If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult. I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.
The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again. The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'. It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it. Now is the time!
The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real. It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey. Baby steps here people. Baby steps. If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*. If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming. Maybe it won't be. If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it. It does feel a bit like that for me.
Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place. I didn't like being the 'fat girl'. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before. And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.
It's not too late. Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down. Head up and keep going!
Monday, March 4, 2013
I Fell
I'm going to be honest with you my readers. I think this has been lurking for quite some time and while I have had some serious splurges in the past, I've never splurged so much that I couldn't 'account' for what I ate.
I fell off the wagon last night. Once off the wagon, I got dragged along behind it and was hitting some substantial rocks that were protruding from the path. I have prided myself in the last *almost* 2 1/2 years for staying 'on plan'. That means: counting everything and staying within my points/calories for any given day/week. Now, I've said to you all...count everything and move on. I will say that I counted everything, but to remain 'on plan' I had to stay within my points/calories. I didn't do that. It isn't pretty, but I'm being honest here.
With that said, I promised my hubby that I would get back on the wagon this morning. And, I have.
I think that sometimes we have past hurts...current hurts that fester. They finally caught up with me. Hubby and I had a chance to sit down and really talk last night. I even had a chance to talk with hubby's best friend which was also a breath of fresh air. I think my head has been slowly sinking below the water line to that dangerous drowning stage and talking candidly with his friend and with him, allowed my head to pop up above the water line for some much needed air.
I haven't given up. I truly haven't. The path was just a bit bumpy and it threw me out of the wagon.
So far today:
buckwheat groats
stevia for sweetening
pure pumpkin
coffee
On the menu for the rest of the day:
salad for lunch
fish for dinner
Purpose of all this? To let you all know, I'm human too. We all hit bumps in the road, but we need to get up, dust ourselves off, and get back on. Hang in there friends!
I fell off the wagon last night. Once off the wagon, I got dragged along behind it and was hitting some substantial rocks that were protruding from the path. I have prided myself in the last *almost* 2 1/2 years for staying 'on plan'. That means: counting everything and staying within my points/calories for any given day/week. Now, I've said to you all...count everything and move on. I will say that I counted everything, but to remain 'on plan' I had to stay within my points/calories. I didn't do that. It isn't pretty, but I'm being honest here.
With that said, I promised my hubby that I would get back on the wagon this morning. And, I have.
I think that sometimes we have past hurts...current hurts that fester. They finally caught up with me. Hubby and I had a chance to sit down and really talk last night. I even had a chance to talk with hubby's best friend which was also a breath of fresh air. I think my head has been slowly sinking below the water line to that dangerous drowning stage and talking candidly with his friend and with him, allowed my head to pop up above the water line for some much needed air.
I haven't given up. I truly haven't. The path was just a bit bumpy and it threw me out of the wagon.
So far today:
buckwheat groats
stevia for sweetening
pure pumpkin
coffee
On the menu for the rest of the day:
salad for lunch
fish for dinner
Purpose of all this? To let you all know, I'm human too. We all hit bumps in the road, but we need to get up, dust ourselves off, and get back on. Hang in there friends!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Approval Seeking
Are you the type of person who seeks approval? What I mean is, do you look to other people (family, friends, coworkers) for their approval? Or are you the type of person who doesn't care what other people think? You've done your time of worrying about what others think, and now, you can say without a care, "The heck with them!"
I have often been that approval seeker. I have been the one who looks to her husband, *sometimes* children, parents, grandparents, sister, and friends...almost in the desire for validation. I guess...more often than not, I am the seeker. On the flip side, I am more than willing to give encouragement, a compliment, or become the one who gives validation *because I know all to well that we need a little validity in our lives.*
For quite some time, I thought that I drove people away because of my weight. My excessive size made me feel awkward around others. When I was pregnant, I didn't feel like the cute pregnant girl. I did a lot of hiding or sitting in the corner. I felt as though I couldn't 'keep up' or share the same outlook on life. My life never seemed to mesh with others and the approval that I sought was never found.
Now that I am my leaner self, running 3-4 times a week, fitting in other healthy activities, and eating better, I still often feel as though I drive people away. I feel as though they think that I'm watching them, that I'm watching what they eat or what they put on their plate. To be honest, when I'm at a 'food function', I'm more concerned about what I'm putting on my plate than what others are doing for themselves. And if my girls are with me, I'm also wrangling them.
I'm trying to move myself toward the not worrying about what others think phase of life.
Have you ever successfully transitioned from a seeker to one who is unaffected? If you have, do you have any tips?
If you've never been a seeker, how do you keep from worrying about what others think?
And lastly, if you are a seeker like me, I feel ya. It's a hard place to be!
One last thought, you are who you are. You are loved no matter what. There should be no conditions to the love that others have for you.
Just. Be. You.
I have often been that approval seeker. I have been the one who looks to her husband, *sometimes* children, parents, grandparents, sister, and friends...almost in the desire for validation. I guess...more often than not, I am the seeker. On the flip side, I am more than willing to give encouragement, a compliment, or become the one who gives validation *because I know all to well that we need a little validity in our lives.*
For quite some time, I thought that I drove people away because of my weight. My excessive size made me feel awkward around others. When I was pregnant, I didn't feel like the cute pregnant girl. I did a lot of hiding or sitting in the corner. I felt as though I couldn't 'keep up' or share the same outlook on life. My life never seemed to mesh with others and the approval that I sought was never found.
Now that I am my leaner self, running 3-4 times a week, fitting in other healthy activities, and eating better, I still often feel as though I drive people away. I feel as though they think that I'm watching them, that I'm watching what they eat or what they put on their plate. To be honest, when I'm at a 'food function', I'm more concerned about what I'm putting on my plate than what others are doing for themselves. And if my girls are with me, I'm also wrangling them.
I'm trying to move myself toward the not worrying about what others think phase of life.
Have you ever successfully transitioned from a seeker to one who is unaffected? If you have, do you have any tips?
If you've never been a seeker, how do you keep from worrying about what others think?
And lastly, if you are a seeker like me, I feel ya. It's a hard place to be!
One last thought, you are who you are. You are loved no matter what. There should be no conditions to the love that others have for you.
Just. Be. You.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Stress
If you know me *and even if you don't* you would know that I love my children. A lot. Right now, they are ages 9, 5, and 2. My 9 year old is for the most part, obedient and compliant. My middle kiddo, while you could say she has 'middle child syndrome', there's more to it than that, but suffice it to say, she pushes the envelope on e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. My 2 year old is, well, two; she gets into everything and is very impish.
Where am I going with this. Well, my middle kiddo stresses me out. A lot. She is the sweetest child in all seriousness. She is in all honesty, strong willed and difficult. I made a taco 'casserole' for dinner tonight. She is not terribly fond of tacos in general. But, I thought this particular dish would be a winner for sure. Not so much. When she saw me fixing it, she said, "Ewww gross!" Then she came in for dinner, smelled it, and said, "It smells delicious." She starts eating, "I hate this dinner!" A couple of bites in, she wants a drink. We don't allow drinks until after the main part of the meal is eaten. She is given two choices. She doesn't like either one and begins crying/throwing herself. She is taken to her room. She comes out. It's more of the same...choices...doesn't like choices...fit throwing...room. You get the idea.
My personality definitely clashes with that of my 5 year old. And while some parents might be able to just let it roll, when you deal with this type of behavior day in and day out, it's exhausting and draining. My go to comfort? Food. I'm just not sure how to stop the cycle. My sweet hubby's personality is so much more capable in dealing with her personality than mine is. And, while there is a name for what I'm dealing with in my 5 year old, I'm not so sure 'mom' is accurate for me sometimes. Something more along the lines of 'crazy', 'nuts' or 'out of my mind' might be more accurate.
I guess one of the first steps in breaking the cycle is recognizing it. So far, I've done that. I now need to find something constructive to do instead of eating.
Where am I going with this. Well, my middle kiddo stresses me out. A lot. She is the sweetest child in all seriousness. She is in all honesty, strong willed and difficult. I made a taco 'casserole' for dinner tonight. She is not terribly fond of tacos in general. But, I thought this particular dish would be a winner for sure. Not so much. When she saw me fixing it, she said, "Ewww gross!" Then she came in for dinner, smelled it, and said, "It smells delicious." She starts eating, "I hate this dinner!" A couple of bites in, she wants a drink. We don't allow drinks until after the main part of the meal is eaten. She is given two choices. She doesn't like either one and begins crying/throwing herself. She is taken to her room. She comes out. It's more of the same...choices...doesn't like choices...fit throwing...room. You get the idea.
My personality definitely clashes with that of my 5 year old. And while some parents might be able to just let it roll, when you deal with this type of behavior day in and day out, it's exhausting and draining. My go to comfort? Food. I'm just not sure how to stop the cycle. My sweet hubby's personality is so much more capable in dealing with her personality than mine is. And, while there is a name for what I'm dealing with in my 5 year old, I'm not so sure 'mom' is accurate for me sometimes. Something more along the lines of 'crazy', 'nuts' or 'out of my mind' might be more accurate.
I guess one of the first steps in breaking the cycle is recognizing it. So far, I've done that. I now need to find something constructive to do instead of eating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)