Saturday, March 22, 2014

Still Struggling

Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti.  It's jumbled and messy,'s mine.  I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back.  Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning.  The evil cycle is back.

  1. Find resolve.
  2. Stick to it for a couple of days.
  3. Emotional break down.
  4. Eat for comfort.
  5. Beat self up for eating to comfort.
  6. Eat some more.
  7. Weigh self.
  8. Repeat.
Somewhere in that cycle, it needs to stop.  The best place would be right after #3.  But, what can I put in after #3 that would keep me from going down that same path?

A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain.  The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you."  I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true.  If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping.  My way of protecting myself.  And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.

As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself.  I thought I was.  I was really doing it for everyone else.  I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.

So...forget all of that.  I'm throwing it in the nearest trash.  I need it for my health.  To make me happy.  No one else.  While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone.  Not for my children, the love in my life, or work.  While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.

I covet your support and your words of encouragement.  And, most patient with me.  I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle! 

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