A Test Of Willpower

So you don't think you have any willpower?  Well let me tell you, it's something that has to be grown.  At some point or another, you lose all sense of it completely.  Then one day, your kid hands you a cookie.  You take the cookie in your hand, you raise the cookie to your mouth, and you start to stick it *absentmindedly* into your mouth...as in it's enough in your mouth that you've had a 'taste', but you STOP!  You politely hand it back to you child and say thank you.  You also tell her that you appreciate the offer, but that you're trying to be good.

Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.

Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing.  Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.

Willpower may look completely different to you.  Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.

Start small here friends.  I am.  I need to find it again.  I need it for me.  My waistline needs it too.

Be patient friends.  And hang in there!

Still Struggling

Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti.  It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine.  I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back.  Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning.  The evil cycle is back.

1. Find resolve.
2. Stick to it for a couple of days.
3. Emotional break down.
4. Eat for comfort.
5. Beat self up for eating to comfort.
6. Eat some more.
7. Weigh self.
8. Repeat.

Somewhere in that cycle, it needs to stop.  The best place would be right after #3.  But, what can I put in after #3 that would keep me from going down that same path?

A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain.  The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you."  I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true.  If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping.  My way of protecting myself.  And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.

As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself.  I thought I was.  I was really doing it for everyone else.  I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.

So...forget all of that.  I'm throwing it in the nearest trash.  I need it for my health.  To make me happy.  No one else.  While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone.  Not for my children, the love in my life, or work.  While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.

I covet your support and your words of encouragement.  And, most importantly...be patient with me.  I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle!