Try, Try Again

Life took some unusual turns.  Turns that I'm not altogether happy about.  My home life got messy.  I wasn't able to use the tools that I had learned to use through life's twists and turns.  I stopped running.  I started working again.  And lastly, my 4 year old was suddenly taken from me in May of last year.  I lost all sense of what life was truly supposed to be.  And the weight?  It went back on quite easily.  I'm no longer the 'former fat girl', but am the fat girl once again.

There are a lot of what-ifs floating around, but I could 'what-if' myself to death.  It won't solve a thing.

I imagine that some people could lose a boatload of weight based on the happenings of my life in the last year plus, but if you have been a regular follower of my story, that's not the case with me.  Food is my drug of choice.  It is my sedative.  It is my comfort.  It is my security.  When all else fails, there's always food.  And darn it...I can't live without it!

I'm still grieving.  My heart still hurts.  And life is moving on.  We made a positive move too.  The only home my girls had ever known...the home I'd known for 11 years, is no longer the place we call home.  We moved a little over an hour south and we are loving the opportunity to be closer to healthy food stores and better opportunities over all.  

I know I have strength because I am living through the death of a child.  With that strength, I will come back...slowly.  There is joy amongst the sadness and I move forward...one minute at a time.

A Test Of Willpower

So you don't think you have any willpower?  Well let me tell you, it's something that has to be grown.  At some point or another, you lose all sense of it completely.  Then one day, your kid hands you a cookie.  You take the cookie in your hand, you raise the cookie to your mouth, and you start to stick it *absentmindedly* into your mouth...as in it's enough in your mouth that you've had a 'taste', but you STOP!  You politely hand it back to you child and say thank you.  You also tell her that you appreciate the offer, but that you're trying to be good.

Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.

Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing.  Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.

Willpower may look completely different to you.  Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.

Start small here friends.  I am.  I need to find it again.  I need it for me.  My waistline needs it too.

Be patient friends.  And hang in there!

Still Struggling

Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti.  It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine.  I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back.  Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning.  The evil cycle is back.

1. Find resolve.
2. Stick to it for a couple of days.
3. Emotional break down.
4. Eat for comfort.
5. Beat self up for eating to comfort.
6. Eat some more.
7. Weigh self.
8. Repeat.

Somewhere in that cycle, it needs to stop.  The best place would be right after #3.  But, what can I put in after #3 that would keep me from going down that same path?

A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain.  The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you."  I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true.  If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping.  My way of protecting myself.  And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.

As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself.  I thought I was.  I was really doing it for everyone else.  I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.

So...forget all of that.  I'm throwing it in the nearest trash.  I need it for my health.  To make me happy.  No one else.  While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone.  Not for my children, the love in my life, or work.  While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.

I covet your support and your words of encouragement.  And, most importantly...be patient with me.  I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle! 

14 for '14

Well, I am officially 2 months behind.  I have made zero goals for myself this year.  Why?  I'm not really sure, but some of the reasons could be:  I didn't want to face the truth about where I am physically, I have a lot on my plate, I'm working, life is crazy, taking care of 3 children and the house, did I mention...life is crazy??

With that said...my '14 for '14

1. Find the joy in me.
2. Calm the crazy.
3. Become the independent woman I know that I can be.
4. Start running...again.  Gosh I miss it!  Who would ever have thought those words would cross my lips???
5. Find time to do things that I enjoy.  This is hard for me because every time I have the time, something comes up that requires immediate attention.
6. Hike more.  I have a new hiking buddy and I just bought me some hiking boots.  I'm giddy about getting out there and not worrying about my sneakers being plastered in mud or sinking into mud up to my ankles  :)
7. Find more ways to be frugal.  I thought I was frugal before, but I need new ideas.  Things that I already do include:  homemade dishwasher soap, homemade laundry soap, bake my own bread, hang my clothes outside to dry, base my meals on sales, shop at Savers & Goodwill, uh...the list could go on, but my brain is drawing a blank.  You get the idea though.
8. Be passionate about life.
9. Love deeply.
10. Encourage my girls to enjoy life to the fullest.
11. Drop 1 clothes size.  Let's not be too zealous.
12. Be patient with myself when things don't seem to be going the way I want them to be.
13. Take pictures.  Lots of them.
14. Be a good friend and encouragement to others.

Fairly good list I think.   So, I'm pretending that it's January 1st...and...I'm off!  Let's do this thing!

Starting Again

If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be.  You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.

I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible.  The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working.  I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before.  The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them.  Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home.  For instance, a bean and cheese burrito.  Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis.  And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.

Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby.   Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.

As with all things, I need to be patient with myself.  Each day is a new day.  I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.

It Happened

Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back.  Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back.  And...it makes me sad.  So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.

First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday.  I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life.  And things with the hubby?  Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral.  And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.

With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon.  And...I need your help.  I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again.  No matter what life throws at me, I need this.  To make me happy.

Hang with me friends.  I'm leaning on all of you!

13 for '13--A Review

Here it is, now August and I'm just getting back around to do a little review.  Terrible.  Life is all about getting in my way right now.  Or, I'm getting in my own way.  Or something.

My original list *I'll add where I'm at with each in parenthesis*:

1. Continue to maintain my goal weight.  And, I need to give myself a 5 pound buffer even though it pains me to say so...I need that.  It's more about being up 5 pounds rather than down 5.  (Sadly, I'm struggling.  With going home for a month, my weight has increased.  I know that it has and I am slowly getting back in the saddle.  I need to do it for me and no one else.)
2. I want to keep running...to remain dedicated no matter what!  It's hard, but I enjoy it far more than I ever thought I would.  (Running is my buddy.  It's my frustration release.  Even with my knee problem, as long as I'm not trying to come down a hill, I'm okay.  I had a great run yesterday!)
3. I want to spend time with my hubby at night at least once a week *I guess I should clue him in on this too, huh?*  I just bought Battleship *the game* for he and I to play.  We've also played Othello recently.  This is an adjustment over this year's goal of going on a date night 1x per month.  (Hmm, this has really lacked.  We have played canasta recently, so I guess something is better than nothing.)
4. Take time for myself.  I really need to continue to do this for myself.  I need to be vocal about it too.  I'm hoping that I can do this once every other week or so.  Hoping to.  (This is still a work in progress.  I often don't know when I truly need this time and I often shrug it off.  Don't we all?)
5. Spend less time on the computer.  I typically spend some time on the computer in the morning while I drink my coffee/tea; some time while I eat lunch and then again after dinner.  The goal?  I need to limit it a bit more.  I'm going to set the timer and spend no more than a half hour in the morning and at lunch.  Then I can spend a bit more time on the computer after the girls go to bed.  (I can tell you that this has dropped a crazy amount in the last week.  I've been *mostly* facebook free with the exception of checking on a few friends via my hubby's account.)
6. Do more crafty things with my girls.  I did quite a few things with them just before Christmas and I'd like to keep doing fun things with them.  They loved it!  (This has taken a wee break since things have been busy.  We'll need to get back into that now that fall is upon us.)
7. Bake more with the girls.  They enjoy the baked goods that I make, so I'd like them to help more in the kitchen.  (Also, the heat of summer...doesn't exactly lend itself to lots of baking.  Again, fall is upon us and I'm looking forward to doing more.)
8. Write one letter/card by hand a month.  I am modifying this one from this year as well.  A handwritten note can make someone's day so much better.  Have you tried it recently? *no I don't mean a personal e-mail either!!*  (I am doing really well with this.  It means a lot to me to get these notes out in the mail.  It probably means more to the people who receive them.)
9. Continue taking my girls outside to do things like sledding, bike riding, and walking.  I have a blast too.  We've gone sledding several times already.  We just love it!  (We spent a crazy amount of time outside while we were home in NY.  If you could see how tan my girls are, you'd know it was true!  We even got to spend a day at the beach; this is a luxury we don't have here.)
10. Express my feelings better with my friends, husband and girls.  *A repeat from this year.*  (Failing.)
11. Read at least 3 books this next year.  I enjoy it...I need to do it for myself.  I need to make time for it.  (Also failing on this even though I have a couple of books fired up and ready to go.)
12. Encourage others who are continuing their journey or starting a new journey.  It's a hard road, but one that is worth it!  (I hope I'm doing that and if I'm not...kick me in the pants so that I can do it in return!)
13. Laugh at myself, laugh at my children and roll my eyes at my husband *another adjustment from one for this year.*  (I think I have the rolling my eyes at my husband down quite well.  Laughing at my children?  Still needs improvement.)

 So, that's where I'm at.  Life continues to throw curve balls.  And, I'm on a roller coaster...one in which I'm yelling, "Please let me off!  I'm going to be sick!"  Except, no one hears me.

Don't give up friends.  I haven't, but sometimes we lose our way for a bit and need to fight, crawl, dig...to get back to where we need to be.

Too Long!

Hi friends!  It's been nearly 2 months since I blogged anything.  Shameful really.  I've let my thoughts slide for a bit too long.

Here's the skinny on what's been going on here.  I've been OP (on plan) according to WW, but haven't been eating the right things.  This makes me feel quite yucky to be honest.  I'm just now realizing this, crazy huh?  I feel better when I eat a sensible breakfast, a snack, a green salad loaded up with protein and veggies for lunch, another snack, a sensible dinner, and possibly another snack...all before 7pm.  Please also realize that with three children, I am often up when the sun comes up.  Here in AZ right now, it's before six!  Except for this morning when I had the coffee pot programmed to go off at 6 *yes, I'm drinking half caff again* and got up because everyone has been getting up around that time, and here it is *7am* and my children are still in bed!!!  Eh, I'm enjoying the quiet of the morning and my coffee.

In that I am eating what I should, my energy is back and I feel pretty good.  It's interesting to see how making sure that you're eating the good stuff can change the way you feel.  In that I'm training for a half marathon, I am trying to be sure that I'm eating plenty of protein and healthy carbs.  I'm doing a cross between a 'runners diet' and phase 2 of South Beach.

**Hark!  7:02 and I hear the first sounds of girlies!**

Between those two, I feel satisfied all day and I feel like I can last through at least bed time with the girls.  So that's where I'm at.  I need to look back at my goals for the year too.  I'll have to do another review here pretty soon.

And a few new things we've been making/using:  milk kefir and 1% ricotta.  I made my first batch of ricotta yesterday and it's really good!  We've been using milk kefir for a month or more and the girls love having a kefir smoothie *not to mention it's good for them!*

I hope you all are hanging in there.  Or at least trying to!

Approval Seeking

Are you the type of person who seeks approval?  What I mean is, do you look to other people (family, friends, coworkers) for their approval?  Or are you the type of person who doesn't care what other people think?  You've done your time of worrying about what others think, and now, you can say without a care, "The heck with them!"

I have often been that approval seeker.  I have been the one who looks to her husband, *sometimes* children, parents, grandparents, sister, and friends...almost in the desire for validation.  I guess...more often than not, I am the seeker.  On the flip side, I am more than willing to give encouragement, a compliment, or become the one who gives validation *because I know all to well that we need a little validity in our lives.*

For quite some time, I thought that I drove people away because of my weight.  My excessive size made me feel awkward around others.  When I was pregnant, I didn't feel like the cute pregnant girl.  I did a lot of hiding or sitting in the corner.  I felt as though I couldn't 'keep up' or share the same outlook on life.  My life never seemed to mesh with others and the approval that I sought was never found.

Now that I am my leaner self, running 3-4 times a week, fitting in other healthy activities, and eating better, I still often feel as though I drive people away.  I feel as though they think that I'm watching them, that I'm watching what they eat or what they put on their plate.  To be honest, when I'm at a 'food function', I'm more concerned about what I'm putting on my plate than what others are doing for themselves.  And if my girls are with me, I'm also wrangling them.

I'm trying to move myself toward the not worrying about what others think phase of life.

Have you ever successfully transitioned from a seeker to one who is unaffected? If you have, do you have any tips?

If you've never been a seeker, how do you keep from worrying about what others think?

And lastly, if you are a seeker like me, I feel ya.  It's a hard place to be!

One last thought, you are who you are.  You are loved no matter what.  There should be no conditions to the love that others have for you.

Just.  Be.  You.

My Heart's Desire

I may get a little soap box-ish, so if you're afraid...walk away now.

Seriously.

My Monday morning study is reading a new book.  We're only 3 chapters in, but I know that it is speaking to me.  I know that the author is my voice in some ways too.  The book is called Winning the Food Fight and it's written by Steve Willis.  Again, I don't receive any money by talking about his book nor am I looking for anything in doing so.

When I started writing this blog, I felt the desire to help people, to reach people who don't necessarily live near me.  I couldn't put my finger on the full reason as to why I felt compelled to start this.  Steve says in Winning the Food Fight, "You feel a righteous indignation that is compelled by love.  You have to do something.  You may not be sure what, but by God's grace, you will act." (p. 58)

Ding, ding, ding!  That's it exactly!!

And, in case you thought I am being all 'righteous'...I'm not.  It's righteous indignation, which is:   retribution, retributive justice; anger and contempt combined with a feeling that it is one's right to feel that way; anger without guilt (according to dictionary.com).  To me, it's more about frustration that is compelled by love.

I'm frustrated because I can't help more than I am.  I'm frustrated because I can lead a horse to water, but I can't force it to drink.

I can't proclaim that I know everything there is to know about weight loss.  I've said it before, but it is worth repeating...what works/has worked for me, won't always necessarily work for you *or someone else.*  What it comes down to is you finding what works best for you.  Do I sound a bit like a broken record?  Good!

You will never know if you can succeed, unless you try.  Again, Steve says, "...defeat in the mind usually precedes defeat in the body.  If we are going to change our diet* and exercise habits, we must first be convinced in our hearts and minds that we need to change."  Winning the Food Fight, (p. 55)

That little * by diet is my own doing.  The word diet is just wrong.  So rather than saying diet, let's say food modification or food alteration.  Really what we need to be doing is modifying how we're eating now.  Right?  Baby steps here people.  I'm not saying you need to overhaul your complete menu...just tweak it a little.

And, backing up a little to the last part of that quote.  It's what I said a couple of posts ago, your mind and heart need to be in it in order to succeed.  Truly.  There's no other way to do it.

I'm anxious to see what more I learn.  Steve says that if I have an itch to help, that I just need to keep reading.

Obsessed?

Oh great friends in the bloggosphere, I have been told that I am obsessed about my weight loss.  I'm not sure that I'm obsessed, but if I don't stay on top of things *logging my points/calories*, checking in here, and making my fitness goals, I feel as though it will all begin to creep back.  If by saying, "I don't want to go back there" makes me obsessed.  So be it.  I don't want to go back there.  I am happy where I'm at and I feel more like my peppy self...the one that my beloved hubby married nearly 11 years ago.

By losing the weight, I've been able to do things I'd never thought I would be able to do.  I don't post here to 'toot my own horn', but because I'm proud of what I've accomplished.  I don't post every day about things like that.  I most often post tips about things that have worked for me, things that I'm trying or tweaking.  Or I post about things that I tried, but that didn't work for me.  Everything that I post about won't always work for everyone.  The only thing I suggest to folks on this journey is to be sure that you pick something *diet food moderation program, or the like* that you know you can stick to for the long haul.  I say this, because, if you are anything like me, you need to feel like you're not restricted.  And if you struggle with food, a lot, then it can't be something you focus on for just 6 months or a year.  Make sense?
I don't bug people about their weight.  If you ask, I'll share from my experiences.  I've never blogged about anyone *aside from my hubby* and myself.  Oh and I did blog when I did the 'climb' with my friend.

Another friend of mine said that we all have to be a wee bit obsessed if we're going to make it to goal and stay there.  In the beginning of any journey, you are 'obsessed' with figuring out what you need to do, knowing the points values of your favorite foods, etc.  Once it's become a habit *of sorts* then it's like old hat.  You already know *without looking* what the points value is for your favorite food, you can fly a little more easily from the seat of your pants, and have fun playing with different recipes, etc.

In other news, I have completed 8 weeks of C25K.  I just completed week 9 of C210K (couch to 10k).  When mornings are going to be tight, I get up early to take to the road.  It also allows me to get out on my own without trying to push the jogger stroller.  And honestly, 5:30a.m. isn't terrible.  It certainly has been quite chilly at that time of the morning.  In the last week or so, it's been below freezing.  I am making it work because I'd rather run in the cold then during the hottest part of the day too.  Determination people.  Determination.

It is getting colder and we are approaching winter, what will be your go-to exercise get moving options?

Nearly two years ago...

In just a few short days, I will be celebrating two years of beginning my journey to healthy.  I can't believe it to be honest.  It seems like yesterday.  It all began on October 1st, 2010.  It was the year my youngest was born.  I was tired of being behind the camera instead of in front of it.  This is where it began.  The picture in this post, is as close to where I was at when it all started.

At some point, I was able to look over my journey and see it like this.  And in this post, I talk about why I feel like a 'former fat girl'.  I think some people never really saw me as fat.  I just had a bit of extra padding tacked onto my tall frame.  I know it had started to have an effect on my internal organs and on my knees.  Let's just say age and weight were starting to catch up to me.

Then there was this post that marked the difference a year can make. 

This is me now.  I took this picture on my 35th birthday.  Yes, it's been two years, but it still isn't as easy as I'd hoped.  Losing weight and keeping it off is hard work.  It's not for the faint of heart.  I think if people say it's easy...they're full of it!

The other part of celebrating two years...I have logged my food every day for two years.  I'm sitting here looking at my notebook that has today's food stuffs listed in it.  Will I ever be able to stop logging?  Most likely not.  Do I mind?  No, not really.  It is what it is.  By writing down what I eat, I can keep myself accountable.  Without it, I'd probably start adding the pounds back on.

The journey continues.  What about yours?

The balance game...

I'm not one for trying to keep things in the middle.  I'd rather have it one way than the other.  Right now I'm struggling with either wanting to eat everything in sight or...feeling sick to my stomach.  My emotions are definitely playing a role in this 'game'.  I dislike this game.  When I first began my journey, the instant reaction to feeling overwhelmed was to reach for food.  I still have that reaction, but my tummy also revolts.

I guess being like this makes me a typical woman.  For illustration purposes, a lot of women lose weight before they get married.  They are stressed and busy.  It just happens.  This woman gained it.  I reached for the food that comforts me when things go wrong.  This instance is no different and it makes me typical in that when I reach for food in this state, I want it to be carb-ish and satisfying.  Carrots, lettuce, or any other green like vegetable, aren't my first choice.  They should be, but they aren't.  What can I say?  I'm still learning and growing in my journey.

I am also struggling with my morning time.  I have been getting up between 5 and 5:30 to get my walk in *on days that I can*.  This could also be a prime time for me to work on the study I just bought.  I need the walk, but I also need the study.  So, I've been choosing the walk.  I'm still not convinced that it has been the right choice.  My body needs the exercise *it even craves it now*, but my soul needs to be fed too.  It's such a fine balance in this area too and I wish I had the right answer.

I know it seems like I have my 'stuff' together, but mostly...I don't.  My life is not perfect.  My food choices aren't always stellar, my children are rarely well behaved aren't always well behaved, my house isn't immaculate, I always often forget things, I verbalize my thoughts better on paper *or blog* than out of my mouth, I generally have good intentions, and I often feel like my feelings/opinions don't matter/can't be voiced.  While these things aren't always visible to the naked eye, they are who I am.  If I seem quiet...I'm contemplating, hurt, and/or sad.  If I seem talkative and outgoing...I'm feeling good and am ready to take on the world.

So, I'm continuing to balance or seek to find balance. 

Problems with weight loss...

Weight and being over weight is such a huge sensitive issue for so many people.  I just wanted to let everyone know that it is so individual to each person.  There are so many reasons why people struggle with weight.  Reasons can include:  a medical reason *a thyroid disorder, diabetes, or something else*, their budget is tight, or any other number of reasons someone can come up with.

My reasons for being overweight include:  laziness, a tight budget, allowing far too many treats, knowing that my hubby loves me regardless of size, and being 'comfortable' in my ways.

My reasons for losing the weight include, but are not limited to:  wanting to be healthy for myself and  family, wanting to be in pictures with my kids instead of always being behind the camera, not wanting to be out of breath when I chase after my children, setting a healthy example for my children, staying away from the diabetic diagnosis for a while longer *since it is so prevalent in my family history it's still a possibility*, knowing that I was unhappy in my own skin, and feeling like I am desirable to my hubby.

Why am I posting about this?  I can give advice, I can be the best cheerleader, I can blog helpful tips, and share my journey, but really, weight loss is individual.  My food choices may not be your food choices.  That's okay.  My methods may not be your methods, and that's okay too.  Sadly, I can't lose the weight for you, and no offense, wouldn't want to lose it for you either.  I think when you have a long way to go, the journey is what gives you strength.  The only one that can lose your weight is you.

If you're not happy where you're at, maybe it's time to make those thoughts of "I think I might be able to do it" and change them into a solid, "I'm going to do it...no excuses!"  Can your reasons for losing weight outweigh your reasons for being overweight?  If they can, then get moving...NO EXCUSES!

Take that scale and....

...*you fill in the blank*.

Are you sick and tired?  Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?  Yeah,  I get it.

Are you letting the scale determine how you feel about yourself?  I often do.  It's hard not to.  In an effort to encourage others, I found this article.  It totally spoke to me.

I think I project my thoughts of others onto myself.  Or my perceived thoughts of others.  Does that even make sense?  I try to 'know' what they are thinking and how they feel about me.  Maybe that's why when my hubby and I are out in public and some random guy 'hits' on me, I don't see it.  My hubby sees it because he sees me for who I really am, not who I see myself as. 

Why do I care what others think of me?  Or how they see me?  When I walk through the grocery store, I often think about if I run into someone I know, what will they think of what I have in my cart?  Or the cashiers.  If they've noticed the amount of weight I've lost *which most of the women who work at our store have*...what will they think of what I have on the belt?  Crazy, right?  Or is it?

Part of this mentality is because we live in a small town.  Everyone 'knows' everyone else.  You generally can't go to the store *which is the only one in town and the only one between Flagstaff and probably Kingman on I40* without seeing at least one person you know.  So, it's a hot spot per se.  And, I might be guilty of checking out other people's carts or the stuff they put on the belt.  I might even *gasp* compare the stuff in their cart/or the stuff on the belt to how the person looks.  Smite me now!!!  Shameful, huh?  Please tell me I'm not the only one?  Please also tell me what an awful person I am!!

In knowing how I am, I think I imagine other people doing the same to me.  It's only fair, right?  So where am I going with this?  We just have this poor 'relationship' with the scale.  The scale is an extension of how we feel and how we feel others look at us.

So, how do we break this cycle?  I'm not really sure.  If I figure out, I'll let you know.  I think we are all creatures of habit, and this is just part of it.  But, if you have the answer...I'd love to hear it!  In the meantime, don't beat yourself up!

Fear

So, I took a walk today.  It's beautiful out.  I'm rocking the tunes.  And as I turn to complete my first mile, and I'm fighting against past memories in my brain...I start to cry.  I'm sure I was quite a sight to see.  Crying and sweaty, but walking it out.  The tears?  A walking revelation.  It seems as though I've been getting those a lot lately.  Moving on.

The revelation?  I have a fear of gaining weight again.  A fear of what other people see me as.  I'm not sure if this is an unhealthy fear or a healthy one. 

I also learned another important tidbit.  I wear my heart rate monitor when I do most of my exercises.  I just found out that a good portion of my exercises are considered to be in the 'vigorous' category.  If I base my numbers on this site, then my max HR is 186, my 50% of HR would be 93, 75% would be 130, and 85% would be 158.  My vigorous range is between 130 and 158.  The moderate range would be between 93 and 130.  Generally speaking, my HR is over 140 when I walk and it's been logged as high as 157.  This is very helpful information for me.

I'm feeling some better today.  It is certainly a process. 

I'm looking forward to dinner.  Pork tenderloin, quinoa, fresh cauliflower, and a salad.  So, I guess if we're going to eat it, I better make it.

A New Goal?

I never thought that I'd need a new one.  I've continued to work on my 12 for '12, but I'm not really thinking about those kinds of goals.  I'm thinking more along the lines of a new health goal.  I'm not even sure what that could be.  I think subconsciously *or so my hubby says* that I might be feeling 'off' because I worked so hard to attain my goal and now that I've reached my goal, I don't know what to do next.

Maybe that is it.  Just a little.  I'm missing my purpose.  My drive.  As of late, I don't feel like things are filling that void of 'I need to make goal.'  Does this even make sense?

I started cutting back on my caffeine a couple of days ago.  So far, no headaches from whittling it down.  I've been drinking half caff at breakfast and then nothing else after.  I do like to have *from time to time* some decaf coffee at night, so I've been having that.  When I was at the store picking up lettuce and spinach today, I stared longingly at the Coke Zero *another guilty pleasure from time to time.*  I didn't get one. 

Last night when I made pizza, I did the entire dough with whole wheat flour, and I only ate 2 slices.  And?  I was satisfied after those 2 slices.  This is a huge step for me as normally I'm incapable of stopping at just 2 slices.  I count what I eat and move on. 

I bought a dark chocolate bar *78% cocoa* and if I'm feeling like a little something during the day, I have just one *yes one* square of it.  That's been helping me from feeling like I'm 'deprived.'

I also like to have yogurt every day.  It's truly tasty to get Greek yogurt *plain/0% fat*, peel and core an apple *I eat some, but cut the rest up into bite size pieces and nuke it*, I stir 1 teaspoon of honey into the yogurt, and then add the heated apple...YUM!  Those of you point counting, it's 3P+ for 6oz Greek yogurt, honey, and the apple.  Yes, you could buy Greek yogurt with fruit already in it, but this cuts out some of the preservatives, and gives you fresh fruit.  A WW friend taught me that trick.

And one more change recently...I've stopped having peanut butter every day.  I love, LoVe, LOVE peanut butter, but I've been thinking that it has been somewhat of a trigger food.  I'm not always happy with just the tablespoon that I put on my bread at lunch.  I like to have a spoonful.  Yep.  I'm one of those people that like peanut butter right out of the jar.  I'll walk by the jar of peanut butter, open it and spoon a little out.  Cutting it out, has been a great release!  I'm also making sure that it goes back in the cupboard *after making lunches* instead of letting it sit there and stare me in the face.  I am instead choosing to have a slice of homemade bread *or the organic nine grain bread from Bountiful Baskets* with a teaspoon of real butter on it.

All of this to say, I'm still learning new things.  And, I'm searching for a new goal.  It's something to think about.  Hubby and I are going to put our heads together to see if we can figure something out.  In the meantime, bear with me.

Biggest Obstacles to Weight Loss

Everyone has obstacles.  Some are more substantial than others.  For me, I think my biggest obstacle is me.  Yes, I am my own worst obstacle.  I get in my own way and I can easily sabotage myself.  I can also be my own biggest fan, but most of the time, it's the other way around.  There are also things that hinder my stamina and those are food items.  I would love to say that I don't struggle with the same things now that I did in the beginning, but they're the same.  They still haunt me and I fight with them on a daily basis.

Right now, I'm struggling with the idea that I am this person:

And not this one:

This should be a no-brainer, but I think I often have the mentality of the second picture.  I guess I feel like I still look like picture number two.  I want to hide myself away.  Maybe that's just my personality.  Maybe it's a shell that I still need to break out of.  Maybe I was stuck in the body of the second picture for far too long.  Whatever the case may be, I still have a lot of healing to do.  Even now, I'm sitting here scrolling between the two pictures finding it hard to believe that it's the same person.  And it's me.

I know how I got from one to the other.  I've also done it before.  I don't want to do it again.  Every day is a struggle.  Every day is a choice.  We have to make the choice to feed our body the things that it needs rather than what it wants.  Even though our brain knows this, we don't always make that choice.

I would love to say that things got easier towards the end, but they only seemed to get more difficult.  The most important thing?  Don't.  Ever.  Give.  Up!

Still Here

No worries.  I haven't dropped off the face of the planet.  I'm in a weird kind of funk.  As my home healthcare nurse called it...punky.  I'm in a punky mood.  I'm just off.  Mood is off.  Emotions are off.  I had my temporary crown put on yesterday and it's too 'high', but I didn't realize it until after my mouth wasn't numb any more.  So...I'm dealing with it for 2 weeks.  Bah!

On my way home from said appointment, I heard this song:



I want you all to focus on the words.

Here is a link to the lyrics.  I hope someone loves you in a way similar to this.  Someone who loves you "just the way you are." 

I've had this song on my heart since yesterday.  Know that you are loved, that you are valued, that you are cherished, and that someone cares about you!

Differences In Life

It's so very interesting to me to see the differences in how people are raised.  And, I guess in some cases, are left to raise themselves.  In this particular case, it's a matter of differences in being raised.

With her permission, I'm sharing a bit about our morning.
 
I met my friend for coffee this morning.  Hubby seems to encourage me to go out and meet gal friends for conversation.  I appreciate his ability to see when I need a 'time out.'  We met at one of the local coffee places *not Starbucks, but makes good stuff too.*  They also have a much larger selection of sugar free syrups *like White Chocolate* and they're cheaper and they have a  'loyalty' program too.  All good things.  Moving on.

She had called me earlier in the week to see if we could meet and talk weight loss stuff.  Sure!  Why not?  Anywho, it seems as though in her childhood/adolescent years, it was all about body image, how others perceived you, and was 'encouraged' to remain thin by her mom, who also has this perception.  At some point, my friend started to possibly feel a sense of rebellion against what she 'knew.'  She's now married and being away from that community, things start to come to light.  Have you ever had that happen?  You get pulled from a situation and then...WHAM!  It's like a light bulb goes off or you have an 'ah-ha!' moment.  What makes you, you?  Is it what others 'put upon' you or is it how you look at yourself?

Where am I going with this?  I'm drawing a comparison, so hang in there.

As I grew up, my parents were encouraging.  However, I was surrounded by people who told me *or at least I felt that they were telling me* that I was unattractive.  It never seemed to make a difference what I did, it wasn't enough.  My parents always told me how beautiful I was, but I could never wrap my mind around it.  It's like the good was outweighed by the bad.  And why would I let what others say to me change what my parents were saying to me?  I'm not really sure.

Two different up-bringings, but we've kind of come to a similar ending.  Our self-image is distorted.  There is no magic answer to change the way we see ourselves.  Often times when we see ourselves so negatively, we have a hard time sharing ourselves with others.  In particular, we have a hard time sharing our inner most self with our significant other.  Of course, if they love us as unconditionally as humanly possible, then they'll love us no matter what.  They love our quirks, our idiosyncrasies, our fluff, and they love our sensitivities.  If we happen to be paired to a member of the male species, their love for us includes trying to 'fix' our hurts.  While we, as women, don't want to be 'fixed', we just want to be heard.  I often times feel better if hubby offers to help.  After all, we were created to be help-mates for each other.

I'd imagine that a lot of you *most of you women* know exactly what I'm saying here.  You don't necessarily feel good in your own skin.  Again, no magic answer, but surrounding yourself by others who encourage you and love ya for who you are, is a huge step in this direction.  Sadly, there are many women in this same place, and you can count me in on it too.  Don't feel alone.  Reach out and be encouraged!