Try, Try Again

Life took some unusual turns.  Turns that I'm not altogether happy about.  My home life got messy.  I wasn't able to use the tools that I had learned to use through life's twists and turns.  I stopped running.  I started working again.  And lastly, my 4 year old was suddenly taken from me in May of last year.  I lost all sense of what life was truly supposed to be.  And the weight?  It went back on quite easily.  I'm no longer the 'former fat girl', but am the fat girl once again.

There are a lot of what-ifs floating around, but I could 'what-if' myself to death.  It won't solve a thing.

I imagine that some people could lose a boatload of weight based on the happenings of my life in the last year plus, but if you have been a regular follower of my story, that's not the case with me.  Food is my drug of choice.  It is my sedative.  It is my comfort.  It is my security.  When all else fails, there's always food.  And darn it...I can't live without it!

I'm still grieving.  My heart still hurts.  And life is moving on.  We made a positive move too.  The only home my girls had ever known...the home I'd known for 11 years, is no longer the place we call home.  We moved a little over an hour south and we are loving the opportunity to be closer to healthy food stores and better opportunities over all.  

I know I have strength because I am living through the death of a child.  With that strength, I will come back...slowly.  There is joy amongst the sadness and I move forward...one minute at a time.

A Test Of Willpower

So you don't think you have any willpower?  Well let me tell you, it's something that has to be grown.  At some point or another, you lose all sense of it completely.  Then one day, your kid hands you a cookie.  You take the cookie in your hand, you raise the cookie to your mouth, and you start to stick it *absentmindedly* into your mouth...as in it's enough in your mouth that you've had a 'taste', but you STOP!  You politely hand it back to you child and say thank you.  You also tell her that you appreciate the offer, but that you're trying to be good.

Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.

Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing.  Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.

Willpower may look completely different to you.  Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.

Start small here friends.  I am.  I need to find it again.  I need it for me.  My waistline needs it too.

Be patient friends.  And hang in there!

Still Struggling

Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti.  It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine.  I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back.  Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning.  The evil cycle is back.

1. Find resolve.
2. Stick to it for a couple of days.
3. Emotional break down.
4. Eat for comfort.
5. Beat self up for eating to comfort.
6. Eat some more.
7. Weigh self.
8. Repeat.

Somewhere in that cycle, it needs to stop.  The best place would be right after #3.  But, what can I put in after #3 that would keep me from going down that same path?

A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain.  The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you."  I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true.  If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping.  My way of protecting myself.  And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.

As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself.  I thought I was.  I was really doing it for everyone else.  I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.

So...forget all of that.  I'm throwing it in the nearest trash.  I need it for my health.  To make me happy.  No one else.  While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone.  Not for my children, the love in my life, or work.  While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.

I covet your support and your words of encouragement.  And, most importantly...be patient with me.  I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle! 

14 for '14

Well, I am officially 2 months behind.  I have made zero goals for myself this year.  Why?  I'm not really sure, but some of the reasons could be:  I didn't want to face the truth about where I am physically, I have a lot on my plate, I'm working, life is crazy, taking care of 3 children and the house, did I mention...life is crazy??

With that said...my '14 for '14

1. Find the joy in me.
2. Calm the crazy.
3. Become the independent woman I know that I can be.
4. Start running...again.  Gosh I miss it!  Who would ever have thought those words would cross my lips???
5. Find time to do things that I enjoy.  This is hard for me because every time I have the time, something comes up that requires immediate attention.
6. Hike more.  I have a new hiking buddy and I just bought me some hiking boots.  I'm giddy about getting out there and not worrying about my sneakers being plastered in mud or sinking into mud up to my ankles  :)
7. Find more ways to be frugal.  I thought I was frugal before, but I need new ideas.  Things that I already do include:  homemade dishwasher soap, homemade laundry soap, bake my own bread, hang my clothes outside to dry, base my meals on sales, shop at Savers & Goodwill, uh...the list could go on, but my brain is drawing a blank.  You get the idea though.
8. Be passionate about life.
9. Love deeply.
10. Encourage my girls to enjoy life to the fullest.
11. Drop 1 clothes size.  Let's not be too zealous.
12. Be patient with myself when things don't seem to be going the way I want them to be.
13. Take pictures.  Lots of them.
14. Be a good friend and encouragement to others.

Fairly good list I think.   So, I'm pretending that it's January 1st...and...I'm off!  Let's do this thing!

Starting Again

If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be.  You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.

I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible.  The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working.  I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before.  The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them.  Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home.  For instance, a bean and cheese burrito.  Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis.  And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.

Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby.   Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.

As with all things, I need to be patient with myself.  Each day is a new day.  I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.

It Happened

Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back.  Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back.  And...it makes me sad.  So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.

First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday.  I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life.  And things with the hubby?  Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral.  And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.

With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon.  And...I need your help.  I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again.  No matter what life throws at me, I need this.  To make me happy.

Hang with me friends.  I'm leaning on all of you!

It Has To Start Somewhere

Every journey in life has a beginning and an end.  Sometimes we can veer off course, take the wrong path, or fall in a ditch.  Lucky for us we get to make the choice in whether we continue to go in the wrong direction or wallow in the ditch.  And I think, from time to time, we're allowed to wallow a bit before finding the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, and move forward.

With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long.  And, I've strayed from the journey.  This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle.  If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult.  I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.

The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again.  The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'.  It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it.  Now is the time!

The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real.  It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey.  Baby steps here people.  Baby steps.  If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*.  If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming.  Maybe it won't be.  If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it.  It does feel a bit like that for me.

Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place.  I didn't like being the 'fat girl'.  I wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before.  And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.

It's not too late.  Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down.  Head up and keep going!

Nearly two years ago...

In just a few short days, I will be celebrating two years of beginning my journey to healthy.  I can't believe it to be honest.  It seems like yesterday.  It all began on October 1st, 2010.  It was the year my youngest was born.  I was tired of being behind the camera instead of in front of it.  This is where it began.  The picture in this post, is as close to where I was at when it all started.

At some point, I was able to look over my journey and see it like this.  And in this post, I talk about why I feel like a 'former fat girl'.  I think some people never really saw me as fat.  I just had a bit of extra padding tacked onto my tall frame.  I know it had started to have an effect on my internal organs and on my knees.  Let's just say age and weight were starting to catch up to me.

Then there was this post that marked the difference a year can make. 

This is me now.  I took this picture on my 35th birthday.  Yes, it's been two years, but it still isn't as easy as I'd hoped.  Losing weight and keeping it off is hard work.  It's not for the faint of heart.  I think if people say it's easy...they're full of it!

The other part of celebrating two years...I have logged my food every day for two years.  I'm sitting here looking at my notebook that has today's food stuffs listed in it.  Will I ever be able to stop logging?  Most likely not.  Do I mind?  No, not really.  It is what it is.  By writing down what I eat, I can keep myself accountable.  Without it, I'd probably start adding the pounds back on.

The journey continues.  What about yours?

Differences In Life

It's so very interesting to me to see the differences in how people are raised.  And, I guess in some cases, are left to raise themselves.  In this particular case, it's a matter of differences in being raised.

With her permission, I'm sharing a bit about our morning.
 
I met my friend for coffee this morning.  Hubby seems to encourage me to go out and meet gal friends for conversation.  I appreciate his ability to see when I need a 'time out.'  We met at one of the local coffee places *not Starbucks, but makes good stuff too.*  They also have a much larger selection of sugar free syrups *like White Chocolate* and they're cheaper and they have a  'loyalty' program too.  All good things.  Moving on.

She had called me earlier in the week to see if we could meet and talk weight loss stuff.  Sure!  Why not?  Anywho, it seems as though in her childhood/adolescent years, it was all about body image, how others perceived you, and was 'encouraged' to remain thin by her mom, who also has this perception.  At some point, my friend started to possibly feel a sense of rebellion against what she 'knew.'  She's now married and being away from that community, things start to come to light.  Have you ever had that happen?  You get pulled from a situation and then...WHAM!  It's like a light bulb goes off or you have an 'ah-ha!' moment.  What makes you, you?  Is it what others 'put upon' you or is it how you look at yourself?

Where am I going with this?  I'm drawing a comparison, so hang in there.

As I grew up, my parents were encouraging.  However, I was surrounded by people who told me *or at least I felt that they were telling me* that I was unattractive.  It never seemed to make a difference what I did, it wasn't enough.  My parents always told me how beautiful I was, but I could never wrap my mind around it.  It's like the good was outweighed by the bad.  And why would I let what others say to me change what my parents were saying to me?  I'm not really sure.

Two different up-bringings, but we've kind of come to a similar ending.  Our self-image is distorted.  There is no magic answer to change the way we see ourselves.  Often times when we see ourselves so negatively, we have a hard time sharing ourselves with others.  In particular, we have a hard time sharing our inner most self with our significant other.  Of course, if they love us as unconditionally as humanly possible, then they'll love us no matter what.  They love our quirks, our idiosyncrasies, our fluff, and they love our sensitivities.  If we happen to be paired to a member of the male species, their love for us includes trying to 'fix' our hurts.  While we, as women, don't want to be 'fixed', we just want to be heard.  I often times feel better if hubby offers to help.  After all, we were created to be help-mates for each other.

I'd imagine that a lot of you *most of you women* know exactly what I'm saying here.  You don't necessarily feel good in your own skin.  Again, no magic answer, but surrounding yourself by others who encourage you and love ya for who you are, is a huge step in this direction.  Sadly, there are many women in this same place, and you can count me in on it too.  Don't feel alone.  Reach out and be encouraged!

Hi, my name is Kati...

...and I'm a foodaholic *in particular, the carbish variety*.

Some people have addictions to drugs, alcohol, facebook, and probably a bunch of other things.  But me, I have an addiction to food.  I just looked up addiction on dictionary.com and got this definition *which seems appropriate*:  the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Enslaved.  Yep.  That's it.

Unlike people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can't give up food.  Food helps to sustain you and makes your body work.  Without it, one would be considered anorexic *at least, here in this country.*

I talked about how I was 'molded' in this post back when I began this blog.  I've always had this love/hate relationship with food *although as I got older, it was more of a love thing.*  When I was in high school, I ate very little *I think if I ate such a small amount now, I'd probably starve!!*  My lunch usually consisted of a half sandwich, half a piece of fruit *like a peach*, maybe a cookie, and maybe 8oz of milk.  I don't remember whether I ate breakfast or not *I'm sure my mom might remember.*  


Food has always been and will always be, a crutch.  Again, I can't give it up entirely, but I can't live without it.  I'd imagine that many of you who read this blog are in the same place.  Maybe you've struggled with anorexia or bulimia.  Maybe you still do.  There is help out there.  For me, saying it 'out loud' makes it more real.  Consider yourselves my therapy.  When my heart aches because I'm hurt, someone is whispering, "Feed it.  Feed the hurt."  *Think of the cartoons where the little 'devil' guy pops up on the character's shoulder.  Yeah that..for me.*  Then my brain says, "You really don't want to do that because you'll be back where you started."


Being a foodaholic is tough.  There is no cure.  It will be a life long battle.  But, each day that you are triumphant, is a step closer to victory.

Fat girl? Are you serious?

This is a wee post about the words 'fat girl' in both my blog title and my 'about me' section.

History of me being a fat girl. 

I have a stocky build.  My wedding rings are a size 8 *even though they're loose now*.  My class ring from high school is a 9.  I don't do shoulder pads because they just make me look even more 'stiff' through the shoulders (meaning my shoulders are broad to begin with).  I am and have always been tall.  I am at about 5' 10".  I have never in the past nor will I in the future wear a size 0.  Let's just say, I'm a solid girl.

The teasing began in 6th grade.  I think the boys were irritated because I was taller than them and other things changed for me during that time.  *If you happen to be reading this and you went to school with me, I don't hold any ill feelings toward any of you, it has truly shaped me into who I am today.*  The teasing lessened as we entered junior high because we were at the high school and too busy learning how to juggle getting to our locker and our next class in the allotted time.  By the time I reached high school, the teasing became more unbearable, but the teasers were more subtle.  As I look back at that time, I was far from fat, but I certainly was made to feel that way *even if they never intended for me to feel that way* and that was the body image that I 'adopted.'

This was me as a senior in high school  My boyfriend and I were crowned homecoming king and queen.  Go figure!  In some ways I thought they only chose us because they wanted to tease me more.  Weird, right?

After graduating from high school, I was able to get away from a lot of the garbage that went on, but I still had terrible self image.  I had mono my first semester of college and wasn't able to start until the spring semester.  I exercised when I could at the college workout center.  When I changed to the big state university, that's when I really started packing on the pounds.  I did what I felt like I needed to in order to stay awake through my classes.  Most often that meant Pepsi and peanut M&Ms.  (This is not one of my prouder moments).  My hubby and I were dating during this time and he still loved me for who I was.  By the time we got engaged, I was probably over 200 pounds.

When we got married, I was somewhere around 200, after working at getting back to my skinny self again.

This picture was taken in May of 2001.  We got married in December.  I probably weighed about 180ish here and to me, I look a bit too skinny if that's even possible.

After we got married, life was difficult.  I ate to self soothe.  Marriage wasn't much of what I had expected it to be.  Just before Mother's Day of 2002, I found out I was pregnant with our oldest.  By the time I had her, I easily weighed close to 300 if not more *I stopped looking at the scale when the nurse weighed me at the doctor's office.*

It has been an up and down roller coaster ride ever since.  I've had to put a stop to the emotional eater.  I've had to find ways to help myself cope during times of stress.  I am still in this journey.

So with that said, and my post being much longer than I had intended, my brain has still not completely caught up with my weight loss.  Even though this journey has already taken me over a year, I am still a work in progress.  I am still learning.  Maybe at some point my brain will catch up with the rest of me and I'll remove that part.  Until then, you all are stuck with it.

Happy New Year!

I simply can't believe that it's a new year already.  Where oh where did 2011 go?  It went by far too quickly for my taste.  Do you remember when you were a kid and the time seemed to d-r-a-g by?  I think as we get older, the time speeds up to light speed.  Seriously.

So, how did last night go?  I splurged last night.  I planned on it.  I made cocktail dogs, hot spinach dip from Skinny Taste, and we had summer sausage with cheese.  Uh, the spinach dip.  Yeah, that was good stuff!  Two thumbs way up from at least the three oldest members of our family.  Also...I tracked it all.

One could say, "Resist temptation."  Or.  "Plan on a splurge.  Count it.  Move on."  I am not saying plan a splurge ALL of the time, but once in a while it's nice to have a few things you wouldn't normally have.  Also, don't beat yourself up about it.  Every snack/meal/day is a new one.

In starting the new year, my beloved husband has bought a juicer.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I asked him if it was part of his 'resolution' and he said 'yes.'  So, I'll be intrigued to see how long he lasts.  He said that in order to lose weight, this will help him.  It sounds a bit like Slim Fast to me; drink two juiced beverages a day to 'replace' two meals.  I did tell him that he needs to stop eating bad stuff in addition to drinking these beverages.  He's standing in the kitchen as I type figuring out how to put the juicer together.  If nothing else, I figured I could use the juicer to help make smoothies.

Here's to a healthier New Year!

So it all began...

One year, 2 months, and 29 days ago, I embarked on yet another journey to find my skinny self again.  The date?  October 1st, 2010.  Just days earlier, I'd had my birthday.  My 33rd birthday.  It wasn't a milestone, but I felt sad and depressed in a body that wasn't truly who I wanted to be.  I made the decision that I'd start back on Weight Watchers beginning on October 1st.

I made my hubby aware of what I had planned.  I told him that I was going to use birthday money to get me started.  I also made up my mind that I would never go back.  I couldn't.  This had to be it.  I had to accept the good, the bad and the ugly.  And, it was ugly.

If I go back through pictures from last year, I avoided being in front of the camera, rather I was behind it, taking pictures of my girls.  I didn't like what I saw.

First weigh-in...292.  Yes, you read that right.  Two hundred ninety-two pounds.  The bad?  I was looking at 107 pounds that I wanted to lose.  The good?  I had Weight Watchers at my disposal.  WW is old hat to me because I've done it before.  I'd lost 100 pounds on WW before.  I'd made it to goal in 2005.  Why did I let myself go in the first place?  I love food.  Food is comfort.  Food 'loved' me when I felt like no one else did.  So I put it all back on.

I had a baby in 2007.  I lost some weight after she was born.  I had another baby in 2010.

So there it is.