Still Struggling

Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti.  It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine.  I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back.  Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning.  The evil cycle is back.

1. Find resolve.
2. Stick to it for a couple of days.
3. Emotional break down.
4. Eat for comfort.
5. Beat self up for eating to comfort.
6. Eat some more.
7. Weigh self.
8. Repeat.

Somewhere in that cycle, it needs to stop.  The best place would be right after #3.  But, what can I put in after #3 that would keep me from going down that same path?

A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain.  The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you."  I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true.  If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping.  My way of protecting myself.  And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.

As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself.  I thought I was.  I was really doing it for everyone else.  I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.

So...forget all of that.  I'm throwing it in the nearest trash.  I need it for my health.  To make me happy.  No one else.  While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone.  Not for my children, the love in my life, or work.  While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.

I covet your support and your words of encouragement.  And, most importantly...be patient with me.  I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle! 

Starting Again

If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be.  You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.

I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible.  The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working.  I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before.  The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them.  Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home.  For instance, a bean and cheese burrito.  Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis.  And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.

Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby.   Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.

As with all things, I need to be patient with myself.  Each day is a new day.  I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.

It Happened

Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back.  Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back.  And...it makes me sad.  So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.

First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday.  I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life.  And things with the hubby?  Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral.  And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.

With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon.  And...I need your help.  I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again.  No matter what life throws at me, I need this.  To make me happy.

Hang with me friends.  I'm leaning on all of you!

It Has To Start Somewhere

Every journey in life has a beginning and an end.  Sometimes we can veer off course, take the wrong path, or fall in a ditch.  Lucky for us we get to make the choice in whether we continue to go in the wrong direction or wallow in the ditch.  And I think, from time to time, we're allowed to wallow a bit before finding the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, and move forward.

With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long.  And, I've strayed from the journey.  This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle.  If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult.  I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.

The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again.  The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'.  It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it.  Now is the time!

The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real.  It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey.  Baby steps here people.  Baby steps.  If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*.  If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming.  Maybe it won't be.  If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it.  It does feel a bit like that for me.

Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place.  I didn't like being the 'fat girl'.  I wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before.  And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.

It's not too late.  Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down.  Head up and keep going!

I Fell

I'm going to be honest with you my readers.  I think this has been lurking for quite some time and while I have had some serious splurges in the past, I've never splurged so much that I couldn't 'account' for what I ate.

I fell off the wagon last night.  Once off the wagon, I got dragged along behind it and was hitting some substantial rocks that were protruding from the path.  I have prided myself in the last *almost* 2 1/2 years for staying 'on plan'.  That means: counting everything and staying within my points/calories for any given day/week.  Now, I've said to you all...count everything and move on.  I will say that I counted everything, but to remain 'on plan' I had to stay within my points/calories.  I didn't do that.  It isn't pretty, but I'm being honest here.

With that said, I promised my hubby that I would get back on the wagon this morning.  And, I have.

I think that sometimes we have past hurts...current hurts that fester.  They finally caught up with me.  Hubby and I had a chance to sit down and really talk last night.  I even had a chance to talk with hubby's best friend which was also a breath of fresh air.  I think my head has been slowly sinking below the water line to that dangerous drowning stage and talking candidly with his friend and with him, allowed my head to pop up above the water line for some much needed air.

I haven't given up.  I truly haven't.  The path was just a bit bumpy and it threw me out of the wagon.

So far today:

buckwheat groats
stevia for sweetening
pure pumpkin
coffee

On the menu for the rest of the day:
salad for lunch
fish for dinner

Purpose of all this?  To let you all know, I'm human too.  We all hit bumps in the road, but we need to get up, dust ourselves off, and get back on.  Hang in there friends!

Stress

If you know me *and even if you don't* you would know that I love my children.  A lot.  Right now, they are ages 9, 5, and 2.  My 9 year old is for the most part, obedient and compliant.  My middle kiddo, while you could say she has 'middle child syndrome', there's more to it than that, but suffice it to say, she pushes the envelope on e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.  My 2 year old is, well, two; she gets into everything and is very impish.

Where am I going with this.  Well, my middle kiddo stresses me out.  A lot.  She is the sweetest child in all seriousness.  She is in all honesty, strong willed and difficult.  I made a taco 'casserole' for dinner tonight.  She is not terribly fond of tacos in general.  But, I thought this particular dish would be a winner for sure.  Not so much.  When she saw me fixing it, she said, "Ewww gross!"  Then she came in for dinner, smelled it, and said, "It smells delicious."  She starts eating, "I hate this dinner!"  A couple of bites in, she wants a drink.  We don't allow drinks until after the main part of the meal is eaten.  She is given two choices.  She doesn't like either one and begins crying/throwing herself.  She is taken to her room.  She comes out.  It's more of the same...choices...doesn't like choices...fit throwing...room.  You get the idea.

My personality definitely clashes with that of my 5 year old.  And while some parents might be able to just let it roll, when you deal with this type of behavior day in and day out, it's exhausting and draining.  My go to comfort?  Food.  I'm just not sure how to stop the cycle.  My sweet hubby's personality is so much more capable in dealing with her personality than mine is.  And, while there is a name for what I'm dealing with in my 5 year old, I'm not so sure 'mom' is accurate for me sometimes.  Something more along the lines of 'crazy', 'nuts' or 'out of my mind' might be more accurate.

I guess one of the first steps in breaking the cycle is recognizing it.  So far, I've done that.  I now need to find something constructive to do instead of eating.

The balance game...

I'm not one for trying to keep things in the middle.  I'd rather have it one way than the other.  Right now I'm struggling with either wanting to eat everything in sight or...feeling sick to my stomach.  My emotions are definitely playing a role in this 'game'.  I dislike this game.  When I first began my journey, the instant reaction to feeling overwhelmed was to reach for food.  I still have that reaction, but my tummy also revolts.

I guess being like this makes me a typical woman.  For illustration purposes, a lot of women lose weight before they get married.  They are stressed and busy.  It just happens.  This woman gained it.  I reached for the food that comforts me when things go wrong.  This instance is no different and it makes me typical in that when I reach for food in this state, I want it to be carb-ish and satisfying.  Carrots, lettuce, or any other green like vegetable, aren't my first choice.  They should be, but they aren't.  What can I say?  I'm still learning and growing in my journey.

I am also struggling with my morning time.  I have been getting up between 5 and 5:30 to get my walk in *on days that I can*.  This could also be a prime time for me to work on the study I just bought.  I need the walk, but I also need the study.  So, I've been choosing the walk.  I'm still not convinced that it has been the right choice.  My body needs the exercise *it even craves it now*, but my soul needs to be fed too.  It's such a fine balance in this area too and I wish I had the right answer.

I know it seems like I have my 'stuff' together, but mostly...I don't.  My life is not perfect.  My food choices aren't always stellar, my children are rarely well behaved aren't always well behaved, my house isn't immaculate, I always often forget things, I verbalize my thoughts better on paper *or blog* than out of my mouth, I generally have good intentions, and I often feel like my feelings/opinions don't matter/can't be voiced.  While these things aren't always visible to the naked eye, they are who I am.  If I seem quiet...I'm contemplating, hurt, and/or sad.  If I seem talkative and outgoing...I'm feeling good and am ready to take on the world.

So, I'm continuing to balance or seek to find balance. 

When staying up late...

...don't make the same mistake that I did last night.

Here's the background.  I went to the store to get milk and a few other items that we needed.  I had plans to make yogurt...again, since we've all been eating it *including me*.  This last batch was 71 calories per 1/2 cup.  I digress.  Milk was on sale for $1.57/gallon, so I figured I'd make yogurt using the entire gallon *because you can.*

I put the milk in the crockpot *I used a bigger one; it's 5 or 6 quarts* at shortly after 8.  The girls were put to bed and I started making granola.  I made this delicious granola that can be found here.  I didn't make the 30 servings that it suggests, but cut it in half.  For my purposes, it still made 30 servings *I'm figuring about a 1/4 cup per serving...you probably could use less*.  I also didn't use all of the ingredients listed *I didn't have:  sunflower seeds, oat bran, pecans, or maple syrup.*  Instead of the oat bran, I used flaxseed meal *but only a 1/2c instead of 3/4c* and instead of the maple syrup, I used sugar free breakfast syrup.  I also used 2 tablespoons of regular butter and 6 tablespoons of light butter instead of the vegetable oil.  I omitted the raisins.  After baking it and allowing it to cool, I needed wanted to taste-test for quality assurance, so I had some of our homemade yogurt with the granola on top.

At about 10:30, I checked the temp on the milk.  It wasn't there yet.  At this point, I was already fading.  I'd had some decaf coffee and some dark chocolate.  Then I had... and ....

Are you seeing a pattern?  I was having difficulty staying awake long enough to get the milk ready to go in the oven.  My coping mechanism for staying awake is food.  I did this in college...often.  When it finally  got to temp, I then needed to cool it.  Ugh!  More waiting!  I got the wrapped crockpot into the oven shortly after midnight.

There are several morals to this story.  #1--It takes quite a bit longer to get a gallon of milk to temp than a half gallon...so start early.  #2--If you're not wrapped up in making yogurt and you're very tired...Go.  To.  BED!!

If you get caught up in this dilemma, remember to track everything.  Things like this happen and we just need to keep ourselves accountable.

**Edited to add:  1/2 cup of my yogurt *the one I made with myself in mind* works perfectly with 2 tablespoons of the granola.  Yum!

Normal

I've made it past Wednesday.  And?  I feel like my 'normal' self again.  My cravings have subsided and life can go on as normal.  Whatever normal is.  I seriously become a wicked witch and I'm sure my family doesn't appreciate it.  At.  All.  To top of my witchiness, my poor hubby has been battling an ear & sinus infection, along with the beginning stages of pneumonia.  Yuck!  Thankfully, he's kept the nasties to himself.

As for food, like I said, once I got to Wednesday, I was no longer craving things that I shouldn't have and was able to feel satisfied on what I have been eating *more protein and less 'sugary' stuff*.  I did do Slim in 6 yesterday, but spent today going through our shed.  I know what you're thinking, "But Kati, that isn't exercise!"  Oh, believe me, it was!  I picked up and moved plastic tubs full of clothes.  I sorted all of the clothes *my old clothes that need to be gone*, baby clothes *sizes 3mo-24mo*, and big kid clothes.  I brought a few things in for my middle kiddo to wear and a few things for the littlest one.  After I got it all put into bags, I had to put it back into the shed.  I'm hoping that I can bring it in the house, lay it on the floor, and take pictures.  All of this before the alleged 10-24 inches of snow we're due to get between Saturday and Monday.  Boo!!  My entire body aches from leaning over tubs and sorting.  I did find a pair of fun pants that I had tucked away.  And yes, they fit.

I'm looking forward now to Saturday.  Yep, it's St. Patrick's Day.  Yes, I have some Irish in my background.  And yes, we're having corn beef and cabbage.  Yum!  When I saw it go on sale, I just had a hankerin' for it.  So...we're having some.  Sunday is my littlest one's birthday.  A whole big 2!  I can't believe it!  And honestly, I'm still unsure of what I'm doing for her birthday cake.  I have ideas, I just haven't come to any solid decisions.

My fun and exciting non-food related news?  I bought our new washer and dryer today.  We'll get those delivered this next Wednesday.  I also bought my tickets to fly home *alone* today.  Yippee!  That's another bonus to having lost weight...you don't have to ask for the seat belt extender on a plane.  Sad, but true.

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day and I'd imagine I'll show at least a slight gain.  All will be well and it's all part of learning my new 'normal.'  I hope everyone is hanging in there.  Take each day as it comes.  That's all we can do.

Day 7

I know women were created to be hormonal and stuff, but seriously?  There's days when it totally gets old and affects every other fiber of our being.  It's one thing that I struggle with when it comes to food.  And.  It's.  A.  Bear.  In all seriousness.  Hormones make me feel more hungry than I really am and want things like a bunch of yucky processedwhitefloursugarytastythings and I really wish that I didn't.

Today had gone swimmingly well.  I made this delicious chicken salad for lunch today (carrots and celery and raisins and seasonings and ooh a bunch of tasty stuff).  I served it up on romaine and was quite the happy camper.  I took the girls into 'town' and ran our few errands before their dental appointment.  By the time we were done, I couldn't wait to get home and make our dinner.

My one big mistake?  The Coke Zero that I drank on the way home.  I think that it paired up with my hormone crazed body and decided that after our yummy dinner, I needed to have a few additional items.  So...I've counted them and I'm moving on to tomorrow.

Is it Wednesday yet?

So...I'll ask again...do you all have a topic in mind for me to blog about?  Or do I need to search the webs for something good? 

Also...there is this particular holiday that occurs here pretty soon and it involves the stores carrying massive amounts of chocolateyevilgoodness.  How will you avoid?

Hi, my name is Kati...

...and I'm a foodaholic *in particular, the carbish variety*.

Some people have addictions to drugs, alcohol, facebook, and probably a bunch of other things.  But me, I have an addiction to food.  I just looked up addiction on dictionary.com and got this definition *which seems appropriate*:  the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Enslaved.  Yep.  That's it.

Unlike people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can't give up food.  Food helps to sustain you and makes your body work.  Without it, one would be considered anorexic *at least, here in this country.*

I talked about how I was 'molded' in this post back when I began this blog.  I've always had this love/hate relationship with food *although as I got older, it was more of a love thing.*  When I was in high school, I ate very little *I think if I ate such a small amount now, I'd probably starve!!*  My lunch usually consisted of a half sandwich, half a piece of fruit *like a peach*, maybe a cookie, and maybe 8oz of milk.  I don't remember whether I ate breakfast or not *I'm sure my mom might remember.*  


Food has always been and will always be, a crutch.  Again, I can't give it up entirely, but I can't live without it.  I'd imagine that many of you who read this blog are in the same place.  Maybe you've struggled with anorexia or bulimia.  Maybe you still do.  There is help out there.  For me, saying it 'out loud' makes it more real.  Consider yourselves my therapy.  When my heart aches because I'm hurt, someone is whispering, "Feed it.  Feed the hurt."  *Think of the cartoons where the little 'devil' guy pops up on the character's shoulder.  Yeah that..for me.*  Then my brain says, "You really don't want to do that because you'll be back where you started."


Being a foodaholic is tough.  There is no cure.  It will be a life long battle.  But, each day that you are triumphant, is a step closer to victory.

Mommy on the edge!

Warning...for this is a vent on my day, but there is a reason for me posting about this.  So...hang on and bear with me.

Today has been highly stressful, highly frustrating, and in some ways disappointing.  My children have been acting like something straight out of a chaotic barn *not so much the shortest one, but the older two.*  They enjoy rough housing and then usually the middle kid gets 'hurt' and starts in to the crying.

I got all of my things ready to go shopping.  On Saturday, I had received this tremendous gift:

So hubby told me I could go today to spend it.  By the way, there was a gift card to Old Navy taped on the inside.  I am so thankful for the gift!  It was truly a blessing.  I gathered my card, with gift card attached, and my coupons as there were a few items that I wanted to pick up at the grocery store while I was there *since we have company coming in this week.*

*I know you are probably wondering where I am going with this, so bear with me.* 

I scored at WalMart *after a little looking to find the cheap snack I wanted for the girls.* 

I was giddy to get to Old Navy.  I shopped some of the clearance as I wanted to try and get as much out of my precious gift card as possible.  I even had an associate set up a fitting 'room' just for me!!  That made me feel pretty special.  I actually added things up and had a 25% off coupon if I spent over $100.  I got to the checkout and the gal rang it up...$107...woohoo....only $7 out of my pocket.  Before I go on, please do not think I am ungrateful or mad at anyone, okay?  I guess I was disappointed as when they put the gift card through, it was only for $50.  Again...$50 was more than I had before and I still came home with new clothes and I am still super excited about them, I just needed to make a decision on what things I didn't need.

This is what I did come home with:

Off then to Fry's.  Since I'm using coupons, I should have known that with such smokin' deals I'd be out of luck, but it was worth a try.  I was blown away by the fact that there was not one salad dressing in the kind I was looking for.  Again, company coming, so I opted for something else.  Off to the cookies...out.  I headed to the checkout, grabbed a Coke Zero *but SO wanted a big gooey chocolatey something or other*, got my 2 rain checks, and walked out to the car.

As I drove home, all I could think about was how ungrateful I seem.  Maybe petty? 

Upon arriving home, my hubby had cooked dinner for the girls *thank you honey...it truly is appreciated.*  I asked if there was any left and he said, "yes."  Upon further investigation, the noodles were smothered tossed in olive oil.  I apologized to him, but told him I wouldn't be able to eat it *he seemed angry and I couldn't do anything more than apologize.* 

The girls were still acting unruly and momma was fried!  Here comes the good part....all I want to do it EAT!  *I told you I'd get to the real point at hand.*

Have you ever had a day where everything just seems to burn your butt and make you mad?  And then, all you want to do is eat?  Yep...I'm there...RIGHT NOW.  Thankfully, I'm blogging and I'm getting it off my heart.  I am sad for feeling the way I do about everything.  And, if I had points leftover for the day, you bet I'd be eating something with them!  Alas, I am out of daily points *or calories* and I'm not eating another thing more *well...maybe an apple, but those are zero points*.  And water.  That's it.

I also need to think, "Am I truly hungry?  Or do I just want to eat because I've had a hard day?" 

I'm sharing this with you all because I know that many of you can relate.  I also want you to know...yeah, I struggle with that too.  Hang in there!  I'm with ya!  Have a glass of water and an apple, and call me in the morning. ;)  Also...learning these things are all a huge part of this journey.

Can I change...

...my molecular structure?  Or maybe become one of those 'unbreakable' girls?  You know, the one that can handle just about anything?  I want to be the girl who instead of being overcome with grief and running to food, curls up on the couch and doesn't feel like eating.  Sadly, I am not.  And, I don't think I ever will be.

This time of year just stinks.  1) Hubby and I have two girls with birthdays 1 week apart *so there's plenty of cake flying around this house.*  2) Both of my grandfathers passed away within 12 days of each other starting 5 years ago today.  Papa G passed today and 9 days after giving birth to our second beautiful girl, my other grandfather passed.  It still stings like it was yesterday.  It's not so much about the birthdays as it is about the raw hurt.  I'm sure many people can say that their grandparents are a beautiful part of their lives, but there is simply something special about mine, especially my mom's parents.  I'm naturally closer with her parents.

So what is my first instinct?  FOOD!  Comfort stuff.  Carbs and chocolate in particular.

I'm trying to go against the grain today.  I'm blogging.  That 1) keeps my hands busy, 2) keeps my mind busy, and 3) also keeps me out of the kitchen!  The next steps will be to get my body moving and do some cleaning up around the house.  I will conquer the food blues!