Life took some unusual turns. Turns that I'm not altogether happy about. My home life got messy. I wasn't able to use the tools that I had learned to use through life's twists and turns. I stopped running. I started working again. And lastly, my 4 year old was suddenly taken from me in May of last year. I lost all sense of what life was truly supposed to be. And the weight? It went back on quite easily. I'm no longer the 'former fat girl', but am the fat girl once again.
There are a lot of what-ifs floating around, but I could 'what-if' myself to death. It won't solve a thing.
I imagine that some people could lose a boatload of weight based on the happenings of my life in the last year plus, but if you have been a regular follower of my story, that's not the case with me. Food is my drug of choice. It is my sedative. It is my comfort. It is my security. When all else fails, there's always food. And darn it...I can't live without it!
I'm still grieving. My heart still hurts. And life is moving on. We made a positive move too. The only home my girls had ever known...the home I'd known for 11 years, is no longer the place we call home. We moved a little over an hour south and we are loving the opportunity to be closer to healthy food stores and better opportunities over all.
I know I have strength because I am living through the death of a child. With that strength, I will come back...slowly. There is joy amongst the sadness and I move forward...one minute at a time.
Showing posts with label difficult times. Show all posts
Showing posts with label difficult times. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
A Test Of Willpower
So you don't think you have any willpower? Well let me tell you, it's something that has to be grown. At some point or another, you lose all sense of it completely. Then one day, your kid hands you a cookie. You take the cookie in your hand, you raise the cookie to your mouth, and you start to stick it *absentmindedly* into your mouth...as in it's enough in your mouth that you've had a 'taste', but you STOP! You politely hand it back to you child and say thank you. You also tell her that you appreciate the offer, but that you're trying to be good.
Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.
Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing. Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.
Willpower may look completely different to you. Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.
Start small here friends. I am. I need to find it again. I need it for me. My waistline needs it too.
Be patient friends. And hang in there!
Thankfully in the above instance, it was my 11 year old and not my 4 year old, because I might not have had enough willpower to withstand those cute little blue eyes.
Or willpower may be sitting down with a classroom full of preschoolers and only eating half of the whole wheat roll that came with lunch, instead of the whole thing. Or saying no to the pancake and eating the fruit during snack time.
Willpower may look completely different to you. Maybe it's only taking one scoop of something when you normally take two.
Start small here friends. I am. I need to find it again. I need it for me. My waistline needs it too.
Be patient friends. And hang in there!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Still Struggling
Friends, my journey is still much like a bowl of spaghetti. It's jumbled and messy, but...it's mine. I had lost some at the restart of my journey, but have since gained it back. Of course, like all circles, it has me back at the beginning. The evil cycle is back.
A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain. The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you." I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true. If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping. My way of protecting myself. And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.
As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself. I thought I was. I was really doing it for everyone else. I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.
So...forget all of that. I'm throwing it in the nearest trash. I need it for my health. To make me happy. No one else. While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone. Not for my children, the love in my life, or work. While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.
I covet your support and your words of encouragement. And, most importantly...be patient with me. I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle!
- Find resolve.
- Stick to it for a couple of days.
- Emotional break down.
- Eat for comfort.
- Beat self up for eating to comfort.
- Eat some more.
- Weigh self.
- Repeat.
A friend of mine said, "You are protecting yourself *or trying to* from the hurt, the pain. The weight is your way of trying to keep the hurt from affecting you." I've never looked at it that way before, but it's so true. If I look back over life, my weight was my way of coping. My way of protecting myself. And, even though I had people who loved me, I found great comfort in the extra padding that 'protected' me.
As I made it through the journey before, I wasn't doing it for myself. I thought I was. I was really doing it for everyone else. I was doing it for approval, to be accepted, to be included, and dare I say it...loved, wanted, desired, and cherished by the one person I thought would freely give it to me.
So...forget all of that. I'm throwing it in the nearest trash. I need it for my health. To make me happy. No one else. While I love all of my friends and I appreciate their support...this is for me and me alone. Not for my children, the love in my life, or work. While both the people I love and having work be easier are important reasons, this is for me.
I covet your support and your words of encouragement. And, most importantly...be patient with me. I know I will stumble from time to time, but I need to break this cycle!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
14 for '14
Well, I am officially 2 months behind. I have made zero goals for myself this year. Why? I'm not really sure, but some of the reasons could be: I didn't want to face the truth about where I am physically, I have a lot on my plate, I'm working, life is crazy, taking care of 3 children and the house, did I mention...life is crazy??
With that said...my '14 for '14
With that said...my '14 for '14
- Find the joy in me.
- Calm the crazy.
- Become the independent woman I know that I can be.
- Start running...again. Gosh I miss it! Who would ever have thought those words would cross my lips???
- Find time to do things that I enjoy. This is hard for me because every time I have the time, something comes up that requires immediate attention.
- Hike more. I have a new hiking buddy and I just bought me some hiking boots. I'm giddy about getting out there and not worrying about my sneakers being plastered in mud or sinking into mud up to my ankles :)
- Find more ways to be frugal. I thought I was frugal before, but I need new ideas. Things that I already do include: homemade dishwasher soap, homemade laundry soap, bake my own bread, hang my clothes outside to dry, base my meals on sales, shop at Savers & Goodwill, uh...the list could go on, but my brain is drawing a blank. You get the idea though.
- Be passionate about life.
- Love deeply.
- Encourage my girls to enjoy life to the fullest.
- Drop 1 clothes size. Let's not be too zealous.
- Be patient with myself when things don't seem to be going the way I want them to be.
- Take pictures. Lots of them.
- Be a good friend and encouragement to others.
Starting Again
If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be. You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.
I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible. The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working. I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before. The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them. Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home. For instance, a bean and cheese burrito. Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis. And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.
Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby. Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.
As with all things, I need to be patient with myself. Each day is a new day. I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.
I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible. The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working. I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before. The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them. Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home. For instance, a bean and cheese burrito. Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis. And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.
Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby. Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.
As with all things, I need to be patient with myself. Each day is a new day. I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
It Happened
Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back. Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back. And...it makes me sad. So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.
First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday. I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life. And things with the hubby? Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral. And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.
With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon. And...I need your help. I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again. No matter what life throws at me, I need this. To make me happy.
Hang with me friends. I'm leaning on all of you!
First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday. I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life. And things with the hubby? Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral. And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.
With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon. And...I need your help. I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again. No matter what life throws at me, I need this. To make me happy.
Hang with me friends. I'm leaning on all of you!
Monday, September 2, 2013
It Has To Start Somewhere
Every journey in life has a beginning and an end. Sometimes we can veer off course, take the wrong path, or fall in a ditch. Lucky for us we get to make the choice in whether we continue to go in the wrong direction or wallow in the ditch. And I think, from time to time, we're allowed to wallow a bit before finding the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, and move forward.
With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long. And, I've strayed from the journey. This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle. If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult. I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.
The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again. The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'. It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it. Now is the time!
The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real. It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey. Baby steps here people. Baby steps. If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*. If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming. Maybe it won't be. If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it. It does feel a bit like that for me.
Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place. I didn't like being the 'fat girl'. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before. And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.
It's not too late. Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down. Head up and keep going!
With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long. And, I've strayed from the journey. This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle. If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult. I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.
The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again. The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'. It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it. Now is the time!
The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real. It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey. Baby steps here people. Baby steps. If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*. If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming. Maybe it won't be. If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it. It does feel a bit like that for me.
Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place. I didn't like being the 'fat girl'. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before. And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.
It's not too late. Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down. Head up and keep going!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Heartfelt Ramblings
Let me first say that this is a non-weight loss post. It may also get a bit preachy, so back away now if you're afraid. I laid in bed last night thinking about this and where I could write this particular post. Well, maybe it does have a little baring on weight, but we'll see how it goes.
Women are sensitive creatures. We may go through a lot of life experiences that cause us to become 'turtle like'. Ya know, hard on the outside and soft on the inside. With that said, men are very much the same, but they tend to be 'turtle like' from the get go. It's almost engrained in them from the time they are born. They aren't supposed to reveal their hurts or wear their feelings on their sleeves.
When we choose to love someone, we have to take the good with the bad. This includes all of the baggage from past experiences and our turtle like appearance. If our love is based solely on appearance, and our appearances change, sometimes for the bad, then the relationship could end quickly. If it's not, then you'll love each other no matter the shape or size your significant other may become. No matter the appearance, love needs to be shown and felt by both sides.
A life long commitment to love one another is hard work. Very hard. If it were easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be sitting somewhere at or near 50% here in the United States. We also live in a 'disposable' society. If we don't like something, we get rid of it. Old? Pitch it. Wrong color? Chuck it *or if it's me and I have a receipt, exchange it!* Do you see where I'm going with this? If the relationship has become too hard, be done with it. Walk away.
There are bound to be ups and downs. And when I say downs, I'm talking digging around in the trenches, feeling like there is no way to come up for air, and possibly losing all sense of time. You may end up hurting each other. Even when there are apologies, the hurts may linger. And linger. And linger. But, if you truly love each other and you are truly sorry, then there is a smidge of hope that life is worth living...together. Am I saying that there are some hurts that aren't beyond the limits of a relationship? That the hurt/trust that has been broken is impossible to get past? Sometimes. But again, I believe in love. The kind that can see past them. The unconditional kind. The kind that loves you no matter what you look like...size 26 *yep, I was there once*...wild hair from getting up out of bed...sweatpants, t-shirt. You get the picture.
And as our relationships change, and they will, love grows and changes too. Add in babies and housework, yard work, running kids here and there...oh the list could be endless. You still love each other for who they are, not for what they did or did not accomplish that day. I can tell you that there are days when my hubby comes home from work and making sure that our girls didn'tkill each other, were fed, were sparkling clean happy, and that the house was still standing was all that I could muster. I look at him and say, "Sorry." He shakes his head and says, "It's okay. I'm not worried about it."
Love also doesn't look at how we did a particular 'job' around the house. *I had to learn this SO early in our marriage. I didn't realize how anal retentive I was about some things, like how I did laundry, loaded the dishwasher or doing the dishes, or how some things were cleaned...* If my hubby does a job around the house, even if it's not the way I would have done it *and I still grumble about it in my head*, I am grateful that he did it. One less thing I have to do!
All of this to say...love is work. It can hurt, but it is also amazing. It brings endless joy, laughter, and encouragement. Love is for making each other better people. Someone once said that people are given to us to act like sandpaper in our lives.
Love is the sandpaper that refines us into who we truly are, beneath that hard turtle shell.
Women are sensitive creatures. We may go through a lot of life experiences that cause us to become 'turtle like'. Ya know, hard on the outside and soft on the inside. With that said, men are very much the same, but they tend to be 'turtle like' from the get go. It's almost engrained in them from the time they are born. They aren't supposed to reveal their hurts or wear their feelings on their sleeves.
When we choose to love someone, we have to take the good with the bad. This includes all of the baggage from past experiences and our turtle like appearance. If our love is based solely on appearance, and our appearances change, sometimes for the bad, then the relationship could end quickly. If it's not, then you'll love each other no matter the shape or size your significant other may become. No matter the appearance, love needs to be shown and felt by both sides.
A life long commitment to love one another is hard work. Very hard. If it were easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be sitting somewhere at or near 50% here in the United States. We also live in a 'disposable' society. If we don't like something, we get rid of it. Old? Pitch it. Wrong color? Chuck it *or if it's me and I have a receipt, exchange it!* Do you see where I'm going with this? If the relationship has become too hard, be done with it. Walk away.
There are bound to be ups and downs. And when I say downs, I'm talking digging around in the trenches, feeling like there is no way to come up for air, and possibly losing all sense of time. You may end up hurting each other. Even when there are apologies, the hurts may linger. And linger. And linger. But, if you truly love each other and you are truly sorry, then there is a smidge of hope that life is worth living...together. Am I saying that there are some hurts that aren't beyond the limits of a relationship? That the hurt/trust that has been broken is impossible to get past? Sometimes. But again, I believe in love. The kind that can see past them. The unconditional kind. The kind that loves you no matter what you look like...size 26 *yep, I was there once*...wild hair from getting up out of bed...sweatpants, t-shirt. You get the picture.
And as our relationships change, and they will, love grows and changes too. Add in babies and housework, yard work, running kids here and there...oh the list could be endless. You still love each other for who they are, not for what they did or did not accomplish that day. I can tell you that there are days when my hubby comes home from work and making sure that our girls didn't
Love also doesn't look at how we did a particular 'job' around the house. *I had to learn this SO early in our marriage. I didn't realize how anal retentive I was about some things, like how I did laundry, loaded the dishwasher or doing the dishes, or how some things were cleaned...* If my hubby does a job around the house, even if it's not the way I would have done it *and I still grumble about it in my head*, I am grateful that he did it. One less thing I have to do!
All of this to say...love is work. It can hurt, but it is also amazing. It brings endless joy, laughter, and encouragement. Love is for making each other better people. Someone once said that people are given to us to act like sandpaper in our lives.
Love is the sandpaper that refines us into who we truly are, beneath that hard turtle shell.
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