Starting Again

If you have never been on the journey before or if you're starting again *for the millionth time*, you know how the first few days and weeks can be.  You have to dig in deep and find that inner 'will' that can carry you on to the next day or week.

I have to say, the first day wasn't terrible.  The difference between this go at it and the last is that I am now working.  I can't say that working is anything new because I've worked and shed the pounds before.  The difference this time is that I sit down and eat lunch my kids and then sit down and have snack with them.  Mind you, I'm taking the portion size of a preschooler, but I'm still eating things that I don't typically eat at home.  For instance, a bean and cheese burrito.  Again, not an adult size and not something you'd pick up from say, Taco Bell, but...it's not something I would choose to eat on a regular basis.  And, for as balanced as they say it is, it often doesn't fit my definition of balanced.

Day 2 is going to be spent home with my baby.   Rather than chasing kids around on the playground, I'll be chasing dust bunnies.

As with all things, I need to be patient with myself.  Each day is a new day.  I need to be happy with me and find the peace that moves me from day to day.

It Happened

Ya know, there was a time when I said I'd never go back.  Well...I haven't gone all the way back, but I have gone mostly back.  And...it makes me sad.  So with that said, there have been so many things going on in my life, which I never thought would push me over the edge, but they have.

First, I started working again at the end of September, just before my birthday.  I had already started down a slippery slope of weight gain just prior to that, but it has been a whole new dynamic to life.  And things with the hubby?  Well, let's just say they've been in a downward spiral.  And well, emotionally speaking, I haven't handled it very well. And, I've talked about it before, the vicious cycle continues.

With that said, I'm attempting to hop back on the wagon.  And...I need your help.  I did it for me the last time and I need to do it for me again.  No matter what life throws at me, I need this.  To make me happy.

Hang with me friends.  I'm leaning on all of you!

It Has To Start Somewhere

Every journey in life has a beginning and an end.  Sometimes we can veer off course, take the wrong path, or fall in a ditch.  Lucky for us we get to make the choice in whether we continue to go in the wrong direction or wallow in the ditch.  And I think, from time to time, we're allowed to wallow a bit before finding the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, and move forward.

With that said, I've been wallowing for far too long.  And, I've strayed from the journey.  This weight loss journey is a life long one for me and I know that I will always struggle.  If you add in a lot of emotional stress into the mix, it makes the struggle that much more difficult.  I would love to say that the emotional stress hasn't gotten the best of me, it has.

The first step in getting back on track *I think* is realizing you're going down that path again.  The path that takes you down the road to 'ruin'.  It's the path that you've vowed to never go down again and yet, here you are in the middle of it, knowingly walking it.  Now is the time!

The second step in getting back on track is to keep things real.  It's almost as if you're starting over, but not from the very beginning, just mid journey.  Baby steps here people.  Baby steps.  If you've fallen off as long as I have *about a month*, you'll need to ease yourself back into it *again, just my perspective*.  If I think too much about all that goes into getting myself back on track, it can be overwhelming.  Maybe it won't be.  If you've been at it a long time, it could just be second nature without much thought having to go into it.  It does feel a bit like that for me.

Lastly, remember the reasons you started this journey in the first place.  I didn't like being the 'fat girl'.  I wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to be able to do things I'd never done before.  And if I go back to where I was, I'll lose all of that.

It's not too late.  Stop in the path that you're taking yourself down.  Head up and keep going!

One Year

It's officially been a year since I started running.  There are a lot of things that I have learned.

My top 10 things I've learned about running this past year:

1. It doesn't matter how fast you are, it matters that you've gotten your butt out the door.
2. Give yourself something to work towards...a goal.
3. Make your goal attainable.
4. For goodness sakes...breathe.  After doing my half marathon, my silly breathing technique didn't seem so silly to me.  I could hear people coming up behind me that were breathing in ways that seemed silly, but I'm sure worked for them.  I might have thought a couple people were dying in need of a water break, but they kept running.
5. If people pass you, who cares?  Who am I kidding?  I care!  Yes, it pained me to have people pass me, especially people who were older than me, but I had to remind myself that I was in it for me.  Maybe at some point in their lives, they started out like me.  Or maybe, they never experienced starting this running business in their mid 30s, so they have no idea where I've come from.  Either way, finishing, no matter how I got there, was #1.
6. Find your happy place.  This may include a nice trail where you live.  It may include music.  For me, it's a little of both sometimes.  For my half, I started out with music and at some point *probably around the half way point* I went unplugged.  It was a great decision.
7. Be comfortable.  Isn't that the same as your happy place?  Nope.  You need to make sure that you have good fitting sneakers, you're wearing clothes that keep you cool *or in the winter...warm!*, and clothes that are easy to run/breathe in.  If you're uncomfortable while you're running, it will be miserable.
8. Don't be afraid of the elements.  Okay, well if there is extreme weather, then be afraid of the elements.  But, if it's snowy or rainy...give it a go.  Weather conditions won't always be perfect and if you allow them to get in the way, then you're giving yourself an excuse to not go out the door.
9. If something seems hard, it may very well be.  Try it again.  Which leads me to #10...
10. Don't give up!  Just because it's hard, doesn't mean that you should give up on it.  Keep working on it and you'll get your groove!

One last thought on this whole running business...have fun!  If nothing else, be able to laugh at yourself.  If you fall...pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and keep going *unless you're seriously injured!!!*  Life is too short to live wondering if you could have done a 5k.  No one can ever fault you for getting out there and making you a healthier you!

13 for '13--A Review

Here it is, now August and I'm just getting back around to do a little review.  Terrible.  Life is all about getting in my way right now.  Or, I'm getting in my own way.  Or something.

My original list *I'll add where I'm at with each in parenthesis*:

1. Continue to maintain my goal weight.  And, I need to give myself a 5 pound buffer even though it pains me to say so...I need that.  It's more about being up 5 pounds rather than down 5.  (Sadly, I'm struggling.  With going home for a month, my weight has increased.  I know that it has and I am slowly getting back in the saddle.  I need to do it for me and no one else.)
2. I want to keep running...to remain dedicated no matter what!  It's hard, but I enjoy it far more than I ever thought I would.  (Running is my buddy.  It's my frustration release.  Even with my knee problem, as long as I'm not trying to come down a hill, I'm okay.  I had a great run yesterday!)
3. I want to spend time with my hubby at night at least once a week *I guess I should clue him in on this too, huh?*  I just bought Battleship *the game* for he and I to play.  We've also played Othello recently.  This is an adjustment over this year's goal of going on a date night 1x per month.  (Hmm, this has really lacked.  We have played canasta recently, so I guess something is better than nothing.)
4. Take time for myself.  I really need to continue to do this for myself.  I need to be vocal about it too.  I'm hoping that I can do this once every other week or so.  Hoping to.  (This is still a work in progress.  I often don't know when I truly need this time and I often shrug it off.  Don't we all?)
5. Spend less time on the computer.  I typically spend some time on the computer in the morning while I drink my coffee/tea; some time while I eat lunch and then again after dinner.  The goal?  I need to limit it a bit more.  I'm going to set the timer and spend no more than a half hour in the morning and at lunch.  Then I can spend a bit more time on the computer after the girls go to bed.  (I can tell you that this has dropped a crazy amount in the last week.  I've been *mostly* facebook free with the exception of checking on a few friends via my hubby's account.)
6. Do more crafty things with my girls.  I did quite a few things with them just before Christmas and I'd like to keep doing fun things with them.  They loved it!  (This has taken a wee break since things have been busy.  We'll need to get back into that now that fall is upon us.)
7. Bake more with the girls.  They enjoy the baked goods that I make, so I'd like them to help more in the kitchen.  (Also, the heat of summer...doesn't exactly lend itself to lots of baking.  Again, fall is upon us and I'm looking forward to doing more.)
8. Write one letter/card by hand a month.  I am modifying this one from this year as well.  A handwritten note can make someone's day so much better.  Have you tried it recently? *no I don't mean a personal e-mail either!!*  (I am doing really well with this.  It means a lot to me to get these notes out in the mail.  It probably means more to the people who receive them.)
9. Continue taking my girls outside to do things like sledding, bike riding, and walking.  I have a blast too.  We've gone sledding several times already.  We just love it!  (We spent a crazy amount of time outside while we were home in NY.  If you could see how tan my girls are, you'd know it was true!  We even got to spend a day at the beach; this is a luxury we don't have here.)
10. Express my feelings better with my friends, husband and girls.  *A repeat from this year.*  (Failing.)
11. Read at least 3 books this next year.  I enjoy it...I need to do it for myself.  I need to make time for it.  (Also failing on this even though I have a couple of books fired up and ready to go.)
12. Encourage others who are continuing their journey or starting a new journey.  It's a hard road, but one that is worth it!  (I hope I'm doing that and if I'm not...kick me in the pants so that I can do it in return!)
13. Laugh at myself, laugh at my children and roll my eyes at my husband *another adjustment from one for this year.*  (I think I have the rolling my eyes at my husband down quite well.  Laughing at my children?  Still needs improvement.)

 So, that's where I'm at.  Life continues to throw curve balls.  And, I'm on a roller coaster...one in which I'm yelling, "Please let me off!  I'm going to be sick!"  Except, no one hears me.

Don't give up friends.  I haven't, but sometimes we lose our way for a bit and need to fight, crawl, dig...to get back to where we need to be.

Half Marathon

Hi dear friends near and far.  It has been a long summer.  A busy one for sure!  We spent a month visiting family, friends and going to Ohio to visit more friends.  It was fantastic!  One unfortunate event?  I managed to exercise for a little over a week, but my right hamstring muscle started to seize on me.  It was painful.  And, while I stretched it, it didn't want to let go.  I babied it, but by doing that, caused my quad to get grumpy too.  So, I did some bike riding and surprisingly had some really great rides!  I even went on a bike ride with my dad.  He kiddingly asked if I needed him to bring the 'tow rope' with him.  I said no. :)  We logged a 13 mile ride together!

We came home, and I ran a couple of times.  Then, I took that Friday off and took on my first half marathon that Saturday (August 10th).  My plan going in was to run as much as I could.  I also planned to start with the walkers at 6am because I just didn't know what to expect.  Friday evening, I picked up my 'race' packet.  I knew full well that this wasn't a 'race' for me, but a scenic route that I had never taken before.  After getting home, I organized all of my gear for the morning.

Surprisingly, I slept fairly well.  I got up at 4:30, had a little something to eat, and as I got ready to put my chest strap with heart rate monitor on, my watch battery died!  Ugh!  Thankfully I had a back up *the kind where you put your fingers on the sensors.*  Eh, it would work.  I got into 'town' for my 'race' around 5:35-5:40 which gave me a few minutes to throw on some sunscreen and go to the bathroom one last time.  We were to hear a speech from the race director at 5:45.

While we stood there, the 'trackers' recorded our bibs into their 'computers' and the director talked.  He counted us down to 6 and we were off.  I started like I normally do, with my 5 minute brisk walk.  Then I turned it over to running: 3 minutes on and 2 minutes walking.  That was fine until I really hit the trail.  It was a very steep trail.  According to my map, it was only a 700ish foot gain overall, but it was enough to kick my pants.

With that said, I walked quite a bit.  When it leveled out, I ran.  But even in places where it had 'leveled out', it wasn't completely runable *is that even a word?*  There were large rocks in the path which made it difficult to actually run.  When I finally felt like I had gotten in my groove *around 9 1/2 miles oddly enough*, I was going down a small knoll *hill?* and my left knee started to give out.  All I could think of was, really??  I had stopped a couple of times to stretch, but now my knee was giving me grief.  It wasn't my right hamstring which had been giving me problems since being in NY.  It was my left knee.  Argh!!!

From there on out, I stopped making any attempt to run.  I was there to enjoy the views.  And they were magnificent!  At mile 11ish, an older lady passed me who had been walking the entire time.  As she passed me, she says, "It's all down hill.  It's burning up the quads!!!"  Ha!  At that moment, my quads were the least of my worries.  My knee didn't like going down hill.  A volunteer saw me around that point too and asked if I was okay and if I was in the half.  I told him that I was supposed to be running, but was definitely walking at that point.  He asked if I was okay and I told him that my knee was sore, but that I was going to make it.

I was going to make it!  I might crawl across that finish line, but I was going to finish!

I was getting close and I was able to hear the cheers of the finish line.  It was just me and my victory.  No one to give me that last boost.  But, I finished.  Time doesn't matter at this point, because I set a goal and accomplished it.

A couple of days after the 'race', I checked back in to see if they had posted the results and they had.

I didn't finish last.

Heartfelt Ramblings

Let me first say that this is a non-weight loss post.  It may also get a bit preachy, so back away now if you're afraid.  I laid in bed last night thinking about this and where I could write this particular post.  Well, maybe it does have a little baring on weight, but we'll see how it goes.

Women are sensitive creatures.  We may go through a lot of life experiences that cause us to become 'turtle like'.  Ya know, hard on the outside and soft on the inside.  With that said, men are very much the same, but they tend to be 'turtle like' from the get go.  It's almost engrained in them from the time they are born.  They aren't supposed to reveal their hurts or wear their feelings on their sleeves.

When we choose to love someone, we have to take the good with the bad.  This includes all of the baggage from past experiences and our turtle like appearance.  If our love is based solely on appearance, and our appearances change, sometimes for the bad, then the relationship could end quickly.  If it's not, then you'll love each other no matter the shape or size your significant other may become.  No matter the appearance, love needs to be shown and felt by both sides.

A life long commitment to love one another is hard work.  Very hard.  If it were easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be sitting somewhere at or near 50% here in the United States.  We also live in a 'disposable' society.  If we don't like something, we get rid of it.  Old?  Pitch it.  Wrong color?  Chuck it *or if it's me and I have a receipt, exchange it!*  Do you see where I'm going with this?  If the relationship has become too hard, be done with it.  Walk away.

There are bound to be ups and downs.  And when I say downs, I'm talking digging around in the trenches, feeling like there is no way to come up for air, and possibly losing all sense of time.  You may end up hurting each other.  Even when there are apologies, the hurts may linger.  And linger.  And linger.  But, if you truly love each other and you are truly sorry, then there is a smidge of hope that life is worth living...together.  Am I saying that there are some hurts that aren't beyond the limits of a relationship?  That the hurt/trust that has been broken is impossible to get past?  Sometimes.  But again, I believe in love.  The kind that can see past them.  The unconditional kind.  The kind that loves you no matter what you look like...size 26 *yep, I was there once*...wild hair from getting up out of bed...sweatpants, t-shirt.  You get the picture.

And as our relationships change, and they will, love grows and changes too.  Add in babies and housework, yard work, running kids here and there...oh the list could be endless.  You still love each other for who they are, not for what they did or did not accomplish that day.  I can tell you that there are days when my hubby comes home from work and making sure that our girls didn't kill each other, were fed, were sparkling clean happy, and that the house was still standing was all that I could muster.  I look at him and say, "Sorry."  He shakes his head and says, "It's okay.  I'm not worried about it."

Love also doesn't look at how we did a particular 'job' around the house.  *I had to learn this SO early in our marriage.  I didn't realize how anal retentive I was about some things, like how I did laundry, loaded the dishwasher or doing the dishes, or how some things were cleaned...*  If my hubby does a job around the house, even if it's not the way I would have done it *and I still grumble about it in my head*, I am grateful that he did it.  One less thing I have to do!

All of this to say...love is work.  It can hurt, but it is also amazing.  It brings endless joy, laughter, and encouragement.  Love is for making each other better people.  Someone once said that people are given to us to act like sandpaper in our lives.

Love is the sandpaper that refines us into who we truly are, beneath that hard turtle shell.